How to get dressed with Denise Soued
The recently postpartum mom of two on dressing to be independent again
The Cereal Aisle has a closed group chat on an app called Geneva. It’s similar to discord or slack, but the interface is more like a social media app geared towards social ppl, 18-34. There are about 500 of us in there and mostly, we send pictures into the different channels of what we’re wearing or planning to wear or want to wear. We talk about shopping and having kids and where we live and our partners and occasionally (one time), we meet up.
I met Denise Soued — the newly postpartum subject of this week’s letter — at a meet-up last February, where she persuaded me to buy the sequined Margiela cap (no doubt a wardrobe hero of late winter) not by force of word but simply because she wore it so well.
Below, a conversation on fitting in, becoming a mom and finding acceptance through the framework of getting dressed.
Look 1: What to wear when taking the kids out
I had my second baby a few months ago, so my days are still pretty quiet. I spend a lot of time at home with the kids, but am finally getting brave enough to take [the newborn and my toddler] out together. [When I’m getting dressed for this], I think about what I’ll be doing — what are the activities, is this going to be easy, will my toddler tug at me? Then I start building the outfit, first thinking about comfort, which usually means “staple pieces” on first.
These Tibi flats are my favorite right now, they add something interesting to any outfit. I want to feel creative no matter what I’m doing and this is something I’ve been thinking about a lot postpartum — how I want to keep being me, which sometimes I feel like I can’t be with kids.
[Giving birth to] my first [baby] was such a shock. Everything about having him rattled me. It was a surprise, and happened earlier than I thought it would and my life was so disoriented by it. I just didn’t feel sure.
My husband and I had been married a few years and we kept having The Conversation, but I kept putting off the actual “trying”, not because I didn’t want to have a baby, I just wasn’t sure if I was ready. We definitely went through a bit of a tug and pull.
But the conversations weren’t a surprise. When I met [my husband], he told that becoming a father was one of the two major things that mattered to him. The other was raising his kids Jewish.
I grew up Catholic in Mississippi, my parents immigrated from Central Mexico to open restaurants there, and I came to New York in 2013 after I finished college. Coming here and meeting my husband changed my life in a way — I always wanted to accept myself but it felt so hard for me and somehow getting married changed that.
I think part of why fitting in was so hard is because my parents were immigrants. I looked different, I spoke differently — I used to wonder if I was saying the right things. In Mississippi, it’s so much sameness. I wanted to be part of the sameness. But I guess it’s funny because I dress to stand out now. And I do often think to myself, “You’re probably going to get laughed at,” but I push that aside and remember this is for me.
But back to the kids and the fear for a second. After my first son, Liam, was born, it was so hard, it’s like all my fears were being validated. I hadn’t felt that kind of fear, the shaky ground and uncertainty, feeling that unsafe, in a really long time.
I think postpartum with Liam [who is now 2] was really bad because of it. It lasted about 4-6 months. In the end, what pulled me out of the fog was having my mom fly up. She wasn’t here for the birth but her coming [from Mississippi] meant she’d stay for a while and having her here really helped.
And then my mother-in-law and sister-in-law came too [from Israel], and that was so nice. I just needed some women with experience around me — women who had done this before.
I had all sorts of wild thoughts during the [first] pregnancy and postpartum.
I can’t do this.
This is too real.
I’m so alone.
Can I give him to my mom and disappear?
I’m not good enough or smart enough or equipped enough to be a mother.
What’s interesting is that when you think something might not be meant for you and you’re not sure if it’s the path you want to take, then suddenly, you’re on it, you realize that you can’t turn around. This is your life now! So I think part of it for me too was acceptance.
Acceptance and leaning upon the knowledge of [my own matrilineal history].
My grandmother and great grandmother and great great grandma, etc, were able to have 5+ kids in a little village in Mexico with no technology, and they lived their lives and brought all of us up to be resilient and strong. There was a real psychological turning point for me when I considered this — when I realized that I have to, and because of the women before me, that I can, trust what is right for me and my baby.
Before pregnancy, I often felt self-conscious about how I looked in clothes. I thought I was too short for my own sense of taste. I’d wonder if I was the kind of person who could wear the clothes I love. I thought about it too much to be honest, but something about having kids, about getting through that brush with postpartum, burst me open. I was so shaken and so afraid but when I found my way out, I felt so powerful. I was like, “Omg, okay, I get it. I can enjoy my baby now!”
I was left so open and so confident, and it spilled over into how I thought about myself and getting dressed.
Look 2: What to wear when you don’t want to think (what’s in top rotation, the “bedroom-chair look”)
I used to work at this boutique called CPW on the Upper West Side. It just closed, but we lost a treasure for sure. The owner of the store, Linda Wolff was my mentor — she has such a good eye and I found so many new brands through her.
Her store totally had that, “Show me a weird fad!” energy that you often talk about. A lot of the pieces I wear are from there.
This is a comfortable look. It says, I’m without my kids so can be a little more precious about what I’m wearing. These jeans are great because they don’t squeeze me and I wasn’t sure if I’d pull the trigger on the boots but I had been looking at them for a while. I thought they might be too boyish but they actually offset a lot of my feminine clothes, like this floral cardigan.
The width on them [the shoes] is really good. They’re wide, but not too wide. Almost like bare feet.
Some of my favorite brands of the moment include Tibi (this shoe silhouette really is my favorite right now, I might get them in gold too), Minnie Rose (good cashmere), Sundry (easy t-shirts), R13, Margiela…I don’t really set shopping alerts, but I do mostly shop online, in the sales at the usual suspects: Net, MyTheresa, SSENSE, Farfertch…
In terms of actually going into stores, it was always CPW for me — but I do also visit Pachute up there, on 85th between Amsterdam and Central Park West.
These days, I’ve been leaning on my staple pieces, which for me are baggy jeans, easy t-shirts, cardigans or blazers. That's the crux of most of my outfits then I add doses of whimsy based on what I’m inspired by. The inspiration almost always comes from runway. Did you look at Vivietta this season? So whimsical!
I don’t wear much makeup or jewelry. It’s all about the clothes for me but when I do wear makeup, it’s blue mascara.
I’ve been doing it for years — since 2020 when I first picked it up from Benefit. We were mid-pandemic and indoors too much and admittedly, I thought about me too much but I guess the silver lining is that I really did lean into my style and start experimenting to find new things that I like. This mascara is definitely one product of that.
Look 3: What to wear when bathing in the bath me-ness (so like, for a girls’ night)
I feel most myself in mid-length skirts, or full-on floor length ones, especially when they are styled with basic t-shirts. If I’m going out with my girls, I want to wear heels and something fun, so I’ll usually start the look with shoes and whatever is going to go on the bottom half. Again, it’s usually a skirt of some sort.
Then I’ll add something statement-crazy. Shiny or sequined, just over the top.
I got this jacket years ago on Net-a-Porter. It provoked an emotional Wow I need to have that.
I am definitely an emotional dresser.
Clothing and getting dressed is so much about self. A lot of people say clothes are like armor, but I don’t see it that way. Armor is heavy and protective, but when I’m wearing my clothes, it actually opens me up. I’m so much more receptive to what’s good. Not even just in my own life, but from outside of me too. And thinking about this held up against being newly postpartum again and having this experience feel so different from the first time I gave birth — just the confidence and joy and excitement I have, I feel powerful in a totally different way.
Yeah, I think becoming a mother has changed me more than any singular event. It’s opened me up in such unexpected ways. I don’t think I really knew myself until I became a mom. Maybe that’s where the acceptance comes from. I don’t know, but I don’t want to hide anymore. It feels good now to say, “Here I am.” As told to Leandra Medine Cohen on the Upper East Side in New York City on March 26th, 2024
I love Denise and her beautiful spirit and sense of style! Always so so chic!
This was amazing! I joined your Substack because i admire your work and really love your creativity. But I so appreciate the fresh parenting voice you share and include from others as well. My youngest is in high school so it’s been a while but I can still remember feeling variations of what Denise describes. Wish I had this Substack as a new mother!