Letter of Rec #099: It doesn’t get easier, but it does get richer

Opening thoughts on being a parent and…THE SUMMER UNIFORM

I recently noticed that I am like, 80% more likely to lose my patience with one of my older daughters than I am with the other. But what I realized while I was away last week is that when I say lose my patience, what I mean really is that I’m more likely to shut down.

Like I close myself off as a way, I suspect, to protect myself from the pain of this harrowing possibility that I don’t completely understand one of my own. That’s why I lose it, I think, under all the other excuses (e.g. “You got the chair dirty! You still haven’t showered! Dinner cannot be a bowl of taco shells”).

But these are superficial examples; there is also the thing that I can’t always intuit exactly what my daughter needs. That I’m pretty sure our interests are different, our ways of connecting too. Which is fine, you know, but I think when we say (more generally speaking) that, “We’re so different” about this or that person, what we mean is more that we haven’t put in the effort to really get to know each other. Fundamentally, we’re not that different.

In the instance with my daughter, when I realized there was a helplessness under the shutdown — that I was avoiding pain more than anything else, I had this thought that this must be exactly what creates the fortress walls and oceans that develop between parents and their kids.

Like maybe the reason so many of us have been or have felt rejected by our own parents is exactly because of the pain I’m describing. Because under the layers of reasons that do often wound us, they can’t handle the misunderstanding just as much as we can’t handle being misunderstood. There’s such a deep love underneath it, both ways.

But is it worth creating new pain? The alternative option with shutting down is remaining open. Like keeping your heart open and your pace slow. It’s letting the pain come in and pass through and then seeing what is left.

I think by shutting down the pain, I’ve also closed myself off to the possibility of venturing into my daughter’s galaxy. Of initiating my own interest in getting to know her world. Of taking the responsibility of continuing to develop our relationship. It’s so easy to forget that all relationships — even the ones we have with our kids — take work and divine effort.

It brings me back to this moment I had with her when she was like 3 years old. I looked at her one morning and could, for whatever reason, feel the spirit of her independence. I wrote down in my notebook, My kids are here because of me, but not for me.

Having them is literally like outsourcing your heart and letting pieces of it walk around the world completely unprotected. But ironically, that doesn’t actually make them extensions of us. Like I think the reason those pieces of heart feel unprotected is because they’re still mine, but not part of me anymore.

Here because of me, but not for me.

Of me, but not me.

Being a parent doesn’t get easier, but when you stay open, it does get richer.

The template

Here’s where I’m at with the dressing template for the upcoming season, barring this string of wet, cold weather

shosho.miniature

A post shared by @shosho.miniature

Which has really made me rethink whether this trench coat is worth it. There are subtle shoulder pads inside and the lining is so delicately and deliciously silky.

Styled with a lurex polo cardigan from Attersee (this is comparable) and Everybody.world’s ‘Apartment pants.’ Do you think they’re named for that episode of Friends with Rachel’s sister?

The sandals are Jamie Haller

It feels like the kind of coat a fancy French man would have purchased in the 50s and continued to wear willingly and gracefully until his grandson borrowed it, loaned it to his girlfriend and together they discovered that the lining was initially produced for like, a couture gown from the Cristobal era of Balenciaga. This one in black from Rue Sophie does not give the same longevity but it could be good to wear black tie. Dif dif but same?

Anyway, before the template, while we’re still close to the topic, do you want to have a look at Aflalo’s summer drop? I styled it and feel pretty good about how it turned out. Some highlights below —