The 23-year-old advertising student from Mennonite Country with good skin

Nick Crawford on getting over acne

This is a public post from the interview series. Here, Nick Crawford, an advertising and communications student in Ontario talks acne, confidence and growing up on a farm.

Growing up

I’m an advertising student now but had originally gone to school for biology. In high school, I thought I wanted to be a doctor -- I had gotten really interested in skincare and did so much research on Accutane, which I went on because of my acne and thought, Okay, I'm going to become a dermatologist. But when I got to the first year of university, I was like, This is not for me. I want to be more involved in creative messaging.

I grew up about an hour outside of Toronto in a little farm town called Wellesley. There are basically no stoplights, there are horses and buggies -- it is Mennonite country. It was an interesting and comfortable childhood. I’m grateful for it. Now I live on a farm close to Lake Erie with my mom -- my dad still lives back where I grew up.

When I was about 13, I started to break out. It wasn't too bad — just around my forehead and the sides of my face but I was really insecure about it. Then it just kept getting worse throughout high school. It was probably peak-bad when I was 19. 

I didn’t really get made fun of, but everyone had an opinion — I don’t drink enough water or I have a horrible diet — but none of those things were true. Sometimes you’re just genetically inclined towards something like acne. High school was a weird time -- with all my insecurity from my acne, and really coming into my sexuality.

I’ve basically known I am gay since I was really little, and there was no “coming out” -- I think the first time it really came up in conversation, I was 18 and on vacation with my mom. Everyone just knew and it was never really an issue. It was just the way it was.

And then at school, too -- I'm in a small country town and I was the only gay kid at my school and have always been a bit more feminine. People would stare and whatever and that’s something that stays in the back of your head but I could never really care because it was me. It’s just me. 

I think it's funny because where I live, there are a lot of traditional farmers and otherwise [neighbors who uphold tradition], so I'll literally be wearing this [neon floral print] shirt to the grocery store or something and I'll get stared at and don't even notice it. My mom will be like, “People stare at you wherever you go!” I don't think people are malicious. I think it's more so they don't know what to do or say. Like they’re confused. 

A lot of people that I've met and actually spoken to have been like, “Oh, I just, I had such a negative opinion of queer people before.” They hadn't ever met somebody like me or had a conversation with them. It's cool that just one conversation can shift that perspective.

Acne

I had to go through a lot of mental health training for myself once my acne cleared up after Accutane to be like, “Okay, my face doesn't look how it used to.” I remember at first, if I got a pimple or something, it would feel like the end of the world, “Oh gosh, my acne is coming back.” It’s almost like I had this bit of facial dysmorphia where I’d look in the mirror and feel so ugly while so many people were complimenting my skin.

I never got compliments when I had acne and no one ever called me beautiful or anything like that. After my skin cleared, I grew this attachment to it where I thought, “If my skin's clear that means I'm attractive.”

I actually thought that from the moment I started getting acne. I was like, “Okay, this means I'm ugly.”

That's how I felt when I was 13 years old, and it lasted until I was 19. 

I think about it now -- how upsetting it is for a 13-year-old to have such a negative self-image. The silver lining perspective is that when I see a younger person with acne, I never think, “That person needs to take better care of themselves.” I’m less judgmental I guess. 

After Accutane

People often ask me, "What should I do for my face?" I just feel like as long as you're using safe ingredients, trust the brand products you have and you're eating what your body asks for, there’s not much else you can do.

I’ve really had to ask myself why my beauty standards are the way that they are and expand my perception of the concept of beauty and develop a healthy relationship with my body. Why do I have such an attachment to needing clear skin?

A lot of the time skincare products are a hoax, I feel. The people who are selling you the solution for your skin are also the ones telling you there's a problem. But people get wrinkles, people get acne. It’s so normal, there’s nothing wrong with it. So I think messaging is important. This is part of why I’m in school for advertising. 

There’s nothing wrong with wanting clear skin, but to what end? All the people I chose to idolize when I was growing up were models and I saw the difference in myself where they had clear skin and I didn't, so I didn’t feel like them. And that dysmorphia was partially my own doing but at the same time, it's weird to think that some businessman in an office was probably like, “This is what we're going to sell.” And that [decision] could make some people feel like they did or did not win a genetic lottery. 

It’s unrealistic for a young kid to sit there and look at these people and try to find themselves in them. There was a mixture of me being unaware of self-acceptance, but also not having the right resources, not seeing people talk about and be more aware of acne. 

I do still struggle with this being my skin, I think. Mostly, I’m trying to let myself feel comfortable with having a pimple, without thinking it does or doesn’t make me ugly. 

Routine

I love my skincare routine and it's my favorite part of my day. I use a cleanser from CeraVe and hyaluronic acid. I always apply it when my face is still wet -- it’s a humectant, so it locks in the moisture from its environment. 

I keep it simple. There are so many trends with multiple steps to get your skin to look like glass, or whatever and lately, I’m like, why would I want to look like glass? Skin has texture! I’m not a window. 

Advice

After I was on Accutane, my skin was great for a year but then I did start to break out again and because I'm so aware of my skin I noticed any tiny thing that could cause a breakout. Certain foods were definitely a culprit, so I was extremely restrictive with my diet. I didn't eat dairy or sugar or any greasy food. I was on this health path that turned into a really negative relationship and quite literally, I developed an eating disorder for my skin. Then one day I just asked myself, is it worth missing out on a barbecue or beachside ice cream -- quality time with my friends? 

When I was a teenager, I literally wouldn't go to the beach or have sleepovers with my friends. And those are things you remember. Now, I would take a pimple any day of the week just to experience those things.

So one crucial thing I have learned is that the more okay I am with myself, the more other people are okay with how I am too. Nobody cared or cares about my acne that much, nobody sees my pimples the same way that I do and so caring about if someone's staring at my face or what floral shirt I’m wearing or whatever -- giving me a weird look in public, it's just not worth thinking about. Number one because they probably aren’t [staring at me], but even if they are, that’s their own baggage.

I would just tell a younger me to go easier on myself. Go to the beach, have slumber parties, don’t wash your face if you’re having too much fun to think about it! Don’t miss out on things just because you’re worried someone else will judge you for what you do or don’t look like. No one really talked about mental health when I was a teenager but it’s so important. Gosh. I look back at pictures of myself and I see such a sad person. 

The other thing is, you literally can't hate [yourself] and love yourself at the same time. But both are normal. I’m trying to give myself room to feel both. Having the awareness to really like, unpack my thoughts seems important. 

The more you give yourself permission to just be how you are, the more you give other people permission to accept you. When they don't, I think that's more information about them than it is about you. As told to Leandra Medine Cohen