What do moms really wear with Raquel Balsam

The mom of 3 of how she keeps her shit together; happy back to school to all who celebrate!!!!

What Do Moms Really Wear captures the process of getting dressed for women with style who are moms. If you would like to nominate someone for this series, comment on this e-mail with their name and handle. To see the edition that ran last month with London-based Londie Ncube, click here.

Up today: Raquel Balsam, the commercial producer who lives in Cobble Hill with her partner, two daughters (ages 6, 8) and son (age 1.5) on what she wears and how she keeps her shit together.

Morning routine, 6 a.m.:

Someone’s in my bed. By 6:30, the entire family has found their way in but the first kid always gets into my bed right before or around 6 a.m.

By 6:40 a.m., we’re all downstairs. My daughters are demanding chocolate milk, Puffins and Nutella toast and I’m getting the baby situated in his chair with yogurt and a banana. By this point, the television is on full blast.

Once [my son] is good, I’m in the kitchen with a podcast, it’s usually a comedy podcast — I like Conan, Dax Shepard. the show Smartless. I’m into Jim Gaffigan lately, too. I need to start my day with laughter. Motherhood can be so lonely sometimes, you know? You’re just there, solo, in the kitchen.

I make their lunches. I’m a bad mom. I give them Nutella sandwiches almost every day but the way I see it, dinner is my meal. That’s the one I commit to controlling — I make a great dinner with fresh ingredients from the farmer’s market, which I visit almost daily to get produce. It’s my time to shine as a parent who cares about health but for lunch, no shame: Nutella sandwiches. At least I know that they’re eating! I just want them to feel full during the day.

Tbh, I don’t even give them fruits or vegetables for their snack — they get soggy. It’s chips from Trader Joe’s.

We leave for school at 7:45 a.m., and honestly, start getting dressed 15 minutes before then, which is always a shit show because my girls are picky about what they wear. They both have strong sensibilities about style.

There’s no uniform at their school so it is, truly, a 15-minute ordeal and there is always crying, fighting, arguing, and the hair. The hair! It’s another ten minutes.

Did I say 7:45? We’re definitely out before 8 a.m. Like 7:59.

Suzie Kondi jumpsuit (it comes open hem like this too), Salter House jellies, Fjall Raven kid relief bag (in hand) and Il Bisonte Fanny pack (worn across chest; I love the shape of this clutch too)

I always wear this jumpsuit to take them school. Even when it’s cold, it’s always a jumpsuit. I wear it because comfort is my #1 thing but also because I like how its looks. My presentation matters to me. I want to feel like I’m in my own skin. When I don’t, it’s a bad day.

Right after I drop them off, when I drop them off — since Covid, [my husband] Yoni has been taking them often — I go to K & Y Fruit and Veggie market then occasionally to Trader Joe’s [for kosher meat]. On fish days, I go to Fish Tales and if I’m feeling frisky, I stop at Sahadi’s on the way home. Then I get home to meet the nanny. She takes the baby, who always comes to drop off.

This bag contains water, wipes, snacks, diapers, obscure snacks that are shelf stable, change of clothes for baby, spf, bug spray — I never take anything out, just replenish when it is necessary so it is always ready to go

If your head is thinking more fall fisherman shoes, it’s a good time to consider a pair of Grenson’s! (Bear in mind, its UK-sizing.) The suede’s on sale, but I’m thinking black for the forthcoming.

I’ll change into something at that point for work and would usually bike to the train and go to the office from there. Even when I work from home, I’ll make sure to get dressed and stay dressed — I feel like my kids respect me more when I’m not in sweatpants; they listen to me better when I look good. Or maybe I’m projecting, but my mom was always dressed so well and I always felt so proud that she was my mom when she’d come to school. That really stuck with me.

It’s also very important for me that my kids see I’m a person outside of them and if I can have anything to do with it, that they’re inspired by it too.

A weekend hang with the kids:

My sister-in-law is a fabric designer and she gave me this shirt. It’s vintage and she bought it from somewhere in Israel. The jeans are B-Sides (I got them from Outline, which is a great, great boutique) and the shoes are from Caron Callahan, who has a store on Bergen Street. She and I became friends when our kids went to preschool together.

Most of my mom friends, actually, are people I met through my kids’ preschool. Why does that happen? Do we stop putting in effort? I guess we’re just with our kids more then.

Most weekends revolve around Shabbat meals for us. On Friday night we will usually do a big dinner with friends. We’ve developed a nice, tight community from [my daughters’ school,] Senesh. We’re about 2-3 families that take turns hosting and the kids love it, it’s the one night they don’t have a bedtime.

On Saturday, we usually hang out at home in the morning and then I push everyone out of the house by 9:30 a.m. I need to get out and the weekends are all about [my son] Marlon’s nap so the window is short. We’ll go to Brooklyn Bridge Park then make a plan to do lunch with friends — a picnic at a playground when the weather is nice. We use Cobble Hill Park as our backyard a lot. Sometimes we’ll meet a bit later at P.S. 29 and bring our bagels, lox, shmear, etc. That’s usually a much bigger group.

In the winter, I usually cry and stare out my window for most of the morning but will still force my family out. We go to friends’ houses for lunch a lot or even the playground depending on the weather.

Vintage shirt, B Sides jeans (I — as in Leandra — like these from Citizens of Humanity too), Caron Callahan Mary Janes. And her sunglasses are Warby Parker eyeglasses with transition lenses

A lot of my closet is one-off, eclectic vintage pieces and I love jeans, they’re a comfort zone for me. I don’t wear leggings, or sweatpants really, so jeans are the best I’ve got. They’re indestructible with children.

In the realm of Mary Janes, these velvet numbers are the easiest approximation (navy! Nice with brown socks). These nail how to look sleek (and expensive) this fall, and these are the closest comp overall (but don’t sleep on these, and o! What’s the deal w these?)

Then as far as shoes, I don’t really wear sneakers — I never got the fashion sneaker thing — so it is usually something like these or clogs. Whatever I don’t have to think about knowing I will feel good. The shoes do have to be comfortable though. That’s the only criterion. I’m on the ground with my kids, blowing noses, getting dirty. There’s nothing precious about any of this.

Being a mom has given me a lot of confidence. [With my girls, I] always have friends, and they keep you on your toes because they’re always looking up to you. I feel very full when I’m with them. We don’t even have to be doing anything special. I feel full even just like, watching them eat spaghetti.

I do tend to wake up in the morning feeling a little jolted: Oh my God, I have three kids to keep alive, and then when I go to bed at night, there is always a slight calm: Whew, I kept three kids alive.

An evening hang, no kids:

When I’m going out without kids, I’m definitely wearing white because I never get to wear white when we’re together.

Lolo Boutique top, Rachel Comey jeans (Maybe this with these are the fall equiv? And if you are looking for good white Fall jeans, these from Tory are a good shape if you like a high waist straight leg, and they are non-stretch, which means they’ll also be thick enough to keep you warm), Staud net bag (all these new ones are so damn good), Maryam Nassir Zadeh sandals (think these are the same ones, with a slightly higher heel)

This is what I wear when I get to dress to feel like an adult. I like a shoe with a little heel too — they make me feel like a woman, and they remind me that I’m not with my kids. So I also act a bit differently, I’m ready to engage like an adult.

The outfits I wear when I’m not with my kids are also about my independence — nice things I have spent my money on, money I’ve earned working. So I get dressed, and then we go out and we don’t have to talk about anything important. It just feels like it’s all mine. Pure, healthy indulgence. I guess the clothes in a way remind me that I can do it: support these little people and treat myself to feeling nice.

The way Yoni and I structure it is, he goes out once a week with his friends and I do the same. Usually my girlfriends and I go to Inga’s or Long Island Bar & Restaurant, or Cafe Spaghetti or Rucola. It’s dinner with a group of 4 girls and we’re talking about life and laughing and reviewing the hot dads at drop off — nothing of the conversations are of any gravitas, it’s easy, light hanging.

My friends drink, but I don’t — I’m like a Woody Allen character, I get a stomach ache! And my main goal in life is to not get nauseous.

On my nights out, I usually skip bedtime, which the kids love because Yoni is a less rigid parent than I am — and he’s more fun than me. [The rhythm of the routine is such that] they get back to the neighborhood around 4 p.m. and will go to Carol Park to get their energy out after school. We’re back home by 5, dinner right away, putz around until 6 p.m., and then homework, playing, and bath at 6:30, bedtime at 7:30. I’m usually not stressed about it — I live and die by the clock — unless I have a work call or something.

I took some time off a couple of months ago from my full-time job — it worked out well with the summer starting and so far, it has helped me feel more present with my kids. I’m enjoying the minutiae, I guess.

At the very beginning, it was hard. I felt lost and unsatisfied and unqualified even to be here — in this neighborhood, with these dependents. I really felt less-than. Devalued and maybe a little jealous.

And it’s funny because it was my decision to leave my job — so at first there was such a high, this surge of excitement that came from the reminder of my agency, but then it was so low.

I think the tide started to turn after I started to open up about how I was feeling. Talking with friends helped me realize that it takes time to adjust. Also acknowledging what a tricky time it is to be in film and advertising (because of all the strikes) and recognizing that…I have a baby again!

I think the most helpful part of it for me was recognizing that it’s okay to not know the next step, once I let myself feel like it’s okay that I don’t know what is coming next, I was able to settle, to just sink in a little easier.

But staying busy is useful too. I ran this clothing sale for my friend a few weeks ago, which was so much fun. I got to meet so many new people — I genuinely like networking, meeting new people, and getting to know them…and I think because I have been feeling so vulnerable, I’m actually able to take bigger risks than usual when my ego’s in the way. I had lunch with this producer last week for example who I’d have never had the guts to ask out when I was still full-time in my fancy big role.

I find that I have more space to ask big questions I never had time to think about before, or that I never had the confidence to ask.

I know part of the reason why has to do with my motherhood. Being a mom gives me more space to take risks in my work, which in a way enhances my confidence because it’s like, okay, even if I take this swing and totally miss, at least I go home and swing right back into this other role that I know with full certainty I have down. As told to Leandra Medine Cohen in Cobble Hill on August 2, 2023.