Loved this. You might enjoy reading Sheryl Paul’s book “The Wisdom of Anxiety” (she is also on instagram and posts helpful things, including parenting related advice). It was very eye-opening for me, when I found out that highly sensitive people need to mourn even the smallest of transitions, including seasonal ones. With the fall equinox for example, a lot of grief can manifest as anxiety. Which as it turns out, is a type of a weapon against feeling feelings. Who knew lol
I don't always relate to mom content, since I am not a parent, yet. Though I achingly relate to this, and the stone turning is a thing for me recently; I feel that stones are turning that I thought were done with and turned, healed I guess. It is never ending. That's life, right? The beauty and the pain. I love what you wrote about time, because I have been feeling it very heavily for a while now. Almost stuck between two timelines, or wanting a rewind, that is relevant to my own journey so I'll leave it at that. Though I have been thinking about timelines, how fast and slow time can feel, and how you can feel so ahead and so behind at the same time. If that makes sense. I also have been feeling disconnected and anxious in a way that I never am or have been, so I relate to that as well. I still find myself questioning my gut when I usually am pretty good at trusting it. Even the usual grounding methods can not feel like mine anymore. I have been really nostalgic lately and having a hard time letting go of old routines, even though healthy, just not part of the new timeline, times are weird. We are always good enough. It just varies on what day, and we will forever be learning. It is always a process. If anything I have learned that mistakes can bring about bigger and better opportunities. Lean in to the skid on those 🎿. Emotions are exhausting. Especially new or old ones, and that is different exhaustion than burnout I feel. I love when you talk about topics like these, because I always think "me too" but in a completely different way. There has been some energy movements going on, I can be a little woo woo (for lack of a better term), and it should feel more balanced by next week. I am also growing out of that which is strange as well. Those growing pains never end. Thanks so much for your honesty. I am sure the mom conversations are needed and appreciated more than you know. As demanding, high-maintenance, and unreasonable as they can be, children can also truth tellers at the most random times, so for as often as you feel that you falling behind, or did not provide enough, I guarantee they will tell you when it is right or what you do provide. Or at least feel that way. All the love. xx
Firstly I love your mommy moments keep writing!! So goooood. Kids are our most humbling mirrors - all stones will be thrown, turned and unturned. Raw and undeniable truths. But I loved the part of picking up the instrument instead bc at the deepest point, this is you however which way you see it. This is the beauty
For me the depth of change/introspection/feeling cycle was so increased when I had kids. Many seasons now can feel like this never breaking wave (!Constant (e)motion! Action required!) and then a calm is spent trying to integrate. And it’s so much information coming out of me all the time that yes...I’m sick of talking about the kids and yes there is nothing else to talk about.
I had a conversation with someone about this exactly today -- they are going through a hard loss, the kind that makes you feel so alive it is like a constant punch in the face. And she said something which really stuck with me: that from the pain of real life beautiful things emerge and I couldn't help but think that if you are both sensitive and brave enough to let the raw feelings of pain come in, to accept that range of your own humanity as opposed to try to push it away as a sort of protective mechanism to keep you "safe" so to speak, you are awarded the wonderful gift of finding that on the other side, you are still you, and in letting the hard things in, you also let unlikely beauty pour through -- this thread between the two of you reminded me of that. Love to you both.
Love that. I feel parts of me that were hidden, the best parts come through adversity. Clarity. What you described as feeling alive and constantly being punched in the face is an adrenaline rush to me and I definitely went through that and it did open me up in a way I never expected. It is a nice surprise.
You wanted the best for your parent and I am sure part of the relief was that you did not have to worry about them anymore. That is so normal! I feel that grief is a natural state for good things ending too. I need to read that book kindly recommended above, The Wisdom of Anxiety, because I feel that is what I am going through. Moving on to different stages of life can have you grieving old relationships, friendships, and your old self/life even when the new phase is much better. Dealing with being sick as a child can have you grieving the life everyone else had while you were sick. I have also been moving a lot and I too dealt with the death of a sick parent a few years ago so I feel called to let you know how good of a job you're doing. I know how hard it can be and how sometimes being happy can feel wrong even though that is normal and what they want for you. I also had job obligations right before they died and did not realize how some lost time while I tried to put myself first, or even not responding until later affected me. I did not have the best relationship with either parent so you can feel the need to grieve the relationship you never had once they are gone. I also struggled with having a relationship with them, it was very unhealthy, though suddenly having that decided for you is grieving even though it is for the best. I also have been unpacking and giving away a lot of their personal things since I sold their home and even though I have kept what is important to me, giving away things they loved has been hard for me recently, when honestly it was not before. I have been doing it in phases for a while now. I have been feeling like a horrible person for not wanting things they loved and cared for, so I relate to what you said about relief in that way too. Going through my old things and purging has been tough as well, when that has never been a problem. Grief is a sneaky one and it comes in waves. I am also changing careers or pivoting in a new direction so that's a whole other layer to add on to. Also, the moving has really not been not fun. Things not working out the way I had planned or hoped for is just leading to better things. It always does. xx
Just being honest! Learning and growing is the point. It never ends. Growing in ways you never thought you would I think is the beauty of it and also a little scary. That's all. Sometimes feeling your feelings can come across as ungrounded though that is what we all need every once in a while. That is healthy. It is all good, a strange time and change can definitely make someone think about things. Especially when you have to compartmentalize to get things done. I hope I can get settled into a more stable environment, though my current community has fire pits, with a gym and hot tub on the roof so I can't complain too much without getting into why I might have to move again. Even if it's just to another unit, all I see and hear is more work and things to organize and get done. It can be a lot. I get the complications in parental relationships. We all have them. Love love. xx
Just yesterday had a conversation about leaky buckets. This exact concept of trying to fill yourself up but finding there's a hole on the bottom.
Also though, i feel like i need to caveat with saying, bc my friend nancy just texted me to ask if I am okay, that i am! It feels SO good to write things like this, to put it out on the page and expel the shame. Like a small piece of patchwork under the bucket or smething.
I just had a thought that maybe instead of thinking about a broken bucket with a hole that needs patched, instead maybe that hole is how we water our kids/relationships/passions. They grow from that “leak” (or rather a spout). The same water in our bucket constantly, never being changed or emptied would probably get stagnant. The constant circulation of us filling it and giving it could be viewed as growth. I might try to think of it that way when I remember to; hopefully.
Loved this. You might enjoy reading Sheryl Paul’s book “The Wisdom of Anxiety” (she is also on instagram and posts helpful things, including parenting related advice). It was very eye-opening for me, when I found out that highly sensitive people need to mourn even the smallest of transitions, including seasonal ones. With the fall equinox for example, a lot of grief can manifest as anxiety. Which as it turns out, is a type of a weapon against feeling feelings. Who knew lol
I LOVE THAT BOOK.
There is a lot in this piece! This is definitely a discussion over coffee.
Xo
I don't always relate to mom content, since I am not a parent, yet. Though I achingly relate to this, and the stone turning is a thing for me recently; I feel that stones are turning that I thought were done with and turned, healed I guess. It is never ending. That's life, right? The beauty and the pain. I love what you wrote about time, because I have been feeling it very heavily for a while now. Almost stuck between two timelines, or wanting a rewind, that is relevant to my own journey so I'll leave it at that. Though I have been thinking about timelines, how fast and slow time can feel, and how you can feel so ahead and so behind at the same time. If that makes sense. I also have been feeling disconnected and anxious in a way that I never am or have been, so I relate to that as well. I still find myself questioning my gut when I usually am pretty good at trusting it. Even the usual grounding methods can not feel like mine anymore. I have been really nostalgic lately and having a hard time letting go of old routines, even though healthy, just not part of the new timeline, times are weird. We are always good enough. It just varies on what day, and we will forever be learning. It is always a process. If anything I have learned that mistakes can bring about bigger and better opportunities. Lean in to the skid on those 🎿. Emotions are exhausting. Especially new or old ones, and that is different exhaustion than burnout I feel. I love when you talk about topics like these, because I always think "me too" but in a completely different way. There has been some energy movements going on, I can be a little woo woo (for lack of a better term), and it should feel more balanced by next week. I am also growing out of that which is strange as well. Those growing pains never end. Thanks so much for your honesty. I am sure the mom conversations are needed and appreciated more than you know. As demanding, high-maintenance, and unreasonable as they can be, children can also truth tellers at the most random times, so for as often as you feel that you falling behind, or did not provide enough, I guarantee they will tell you when it is right or what you do provide. Or at least feel that way. All the love. xx
Firstly I love your mommy moments keep writing!! So goooood. Kids are our most humbling mirrors - all stones will be thrown, turned and unturned. Raw and undeniable truths. But I loved the part of picking up the instrument instead bc at the deepest point, this is you however which way you see it. This is the beauty
For me the depth of change/introspection/feeling cycle was so increased when I had kids. Many seasons now can feel like this never breaking wave (!Constant (e)motion! Action required!) and then a calm is spent trying to integrate. And it’s so much information coming out of me all the time that yes...I’m sick of talking about the kids and yes there is nothing else to talk about.
Taking care of someone for six months at the end of their life makes you an amazing person. Relief is normal and part of grief. Much love. xxx
I had a conversation with someone about this exactly today -- they are going through a hard loss, the kind that makes you feel so alive it is like a constant punch in the face. And she said something which really stuck with me: that from the pain of real life beautiful things emerge and I couldn't help but think that if you are both sensitive and brave enough to let the raw feelings of pain come in, to accept that range of your own humanity as opposed to try to push it away as a sort of protective mechanism to keep you "safe" so to speak, you are awarded the wonderful gift of finding that on the other side, you are still you, and in letting the hard things in, you also let unlikely beauty pour through -- this thread between the two of you reminded me of that. Love to you both.
Love that. I feel parts of me that were hidden, the best parts come through adversity. Clarity. What you described as feeling alive and constantly being punched in the face is an adrenaline rush to me and I definitely went through that and it did open me up in a way I never expected. It is a nice surprise.
You wanted the best for your parent and I am sure part of the relief was that you did not have to worry about them anymore. That is so normal! I feel that grief is a natural state for good things ending too. I need to read that book kindly recommended above, The Wisdom of Anxiety, because I feel that is what I am going through. Moving on to different stages of life can have you grieving old relationships, friendships, and your old self/life even when the new phase is much better. Dealing with being sick as a child can have you grieving the life everyone else had while you were sick. I have also been moving a lot and I too dealt with the death of a sick parent a few years ago so I feel called to let you know how good of a job you're doing. I know how hard it can be and how sometimes being happy can feel wrong even though that is normal and what they want for you. I also had job obligations right before they died and did not realize how some lost time while I tried to put myself first, or even not responding until later affected me. I did not have the best relationship with either parent so you can feel the need to grieve the relationship you never had once they are gone. I also struggled with having a relationship with them, it was very unhealthy, though suddenly having that decided for you is grieving even though it is for the best. I also have been unpacking and giving away a lot of their personal things since I sold their home and even though I have kept what is important to me, giving away things they loved has been hard for me recently, when honestly it was not before. I have been doing it in phases for a while now. I have been feeling like a horrible person for not wanting things they loved and cared for, so I relate to what you said about relief in that way too. Going through my old things and purging has been tough as well, when that has never been a problem. Grief is a sneaky one and it comes in waves. I am also changing careers or pivoting in a new direction so that's a whole other layer to add on to. Also, the moving has really not been not fun. Things not working out the way I had planned or hoped for is just leading to better things. It always does. xx
Just being honest! Learning and growing is the point. It never ends. Growing in ways you never thought you would I think is the beauty of it and also a little scary. That's all. Sometimes feeling your feelings can come across as ungrounded though that is what we all need every once in a while. That is healthy. It is all good, a strange time and change can definitely make someone think about things. Especially when you have to compartmentalize to get things done. I hope I can get settled into a more stable environment, though my current community has fire pits, with a gym and hot tub on the roof so I can't complain too much without getting into why I might have to move again. Even if it's just to another unit, all I see and hear is more work and things to organize and get done. It can be a lot. I get the complications in parental relationships. We all have them. Love love. xx
Just yesterday had a conversation about leaky buckets. This exact concept of trying to fill yourself up but finding there's a hole on the bottom.
Also though, i feel like i need to caveat with saying, bc my friend nancy just texted me to ask if I am okay, that i am! It feels SO good to write things like this, to put it out on the page and expel the shame. Like a small piece of patchwork under the bucket or smething.
I just had a thought that maybe instead of thinking about a broken bucket with a hole that needs patched, instead maybe that hole is how we water our kids/relationships/passions. They grow from that “leak” (or rather a spout). The same water in our bucket constantly, never being changed or emptied would probably get stagnant. The constant circulation of us filling it and giving it could be viewed as growth. I might try to think of it that way when I remember to; hopefully.