Guilt is one of those complicated feelings because you often don’t know if you’re feeling your guilt or if you’re responding to some shitty conditioning. I guess all feelings are complicated in this way, but the thing with mom guilt is that from what I understand, most of us feel it at one point or another. My instinct is always to interrogate why, and I don’t know if this happens to you, but asking why and inventing the why tends to give me a reason to ride the feeling. Like indulge for longer than is necessary/healthy. Or to find someone to blame, whether myself or someone else.
In both instances of blame, it doesnt end well: I either beat myself up or give over too much of my agency, making myself powerless. I honestly used to be comforted by making my feelings someone else’s fault. I don’t think I knew what I was doing.
I also don’t find that my husband gets dad guilt even though he is super involved — like has rearranged his life in as disruptive a manner to accommodate the nurturing of our children. It makes me wonder how we processed becoming parents differently. I found myself thinking that when you become a mom, you really do lose a part of yourself whereas when you become a dad, it seems more like you just lose time.
But is that really right? Did he really lose time, or just change the way he uses it? And with me — I can either experience having kids as losing a part of myself or alternatively, as expanding that same sense of self.
Why is it that so much of our identities as women gets so wrapped up in motherhood that we think it supersedes our selfhood? I mean, I know why it happens, I need not look further than the woman who raised me — suppressing her wants and pursuits (perhaps not even ever actually getting to know them) to make the best home that she could because she genuinely thought that’s what it took to be a good mom. I used to think that she felt she had to, and in some ways, I am sure she did, but ultimately I think whether explicit or not, she just wanted to be the best mom she could be.
No question, your life changes when you have kids. And the change feels kind of awful sometimes.
Your you-time becomes them-time when they’re toddlers and toddlers are very annoying. They test out weird noises and make huge messes then say that their arms are too tired to clean up. They refuse to pee when you’re in the bathroom, but are then ready to waterfall when no toilet’s nearby. They move their bodies in precarious ways that somehow end up physically beating you down — a precursor, I am sure, for the forthcoming emo beat down.
They spill all over the floor and stain their beds with markers and speak consistently in this horribly naggy tone because they’re stage-5 clingers —
completely and utterly dependent on you as their framework, their context, the wayfinder.
And you can think of being a parent in these terms and be like, “Wow, I do not particularly like having kids!” Or you can be like, I’m their framework? Their context? THE WAYFINDER? These are barely formed humans who are trying to figure out what the fuck all this is and actually, look at how they contort into then out of that shape and make that noise and try that thing and disobey the order and refuse to wear this or eat that all in the name of discovering their preferences and holy shit, IIIIIII get to be their wayfinder for now? Like the person who encourages them to keep doing this? Or steers them some other—or no!, who ushers them through this phase of annoying into the potential future of upstanding?
On Sunday night, Madeline asked me if the Eiffel Tower was in Brooklyn Heights. Like, Wow!!!! These are my kids! I’m their mom. What a role, what an honor.
So it’s a matter of perspective, you know?
Which is easy to write and talk about now, with my kids at school, while I’m drinking a coffee and waiting for yoga to start but the thing I keep coming back to is freedom.
I actually think some strains of mom guilt (and definitely the one that possesses me) are the product of inhibited freedom.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the distinction between physical and mental freedom. How one does not necessitate the other, but how once you’ve been freed in some material way, doesn’t always, or even often, mean your mind will catch up. The process could take a lifetime.
I don’t know what the opposite scenario’s like: if you can experience mental freedom without it there physically but my hunch is that it presents as resilience or activism or productive optimism — that all of the strongest before us have been able to feel it in their minds and that’s why they fought to have it with their bodies.
When I make one choice but wonder listlessly about the alternative option or when I don’t feel like I’ve actually had a choice and am therefore figuratively choking is when I feel the guilt. It can happen when I’m with my kids or when I’m not with them. I feel it because I’m either not sticking up for the choice I did make or because I’m a little bit in denial that whatever I’m doing is just the reality of that moment — point blank.
When I act like the choices chose me, it really undermines my freedom.
Two short anecdotes:
My husband always used to say, when I would labor over choice A or B or could I invent a C?, “Make a choice and commit to it.” I found it to sound kind of callous, even dumb. Like what if it was the wrong choice? I should just stick with it? But I think I get what he meant now: when you make a choice, there’s no predetermined right or wrong. Whatever you choose can be right (or wrong!) so long as you want to make it that way.
During a very dark stretch of time in her life, one friend once told me when I asked how she was able to stay so uppity, “You think I don’t have the cynical thoughts? That I don’t wake up to see the glass not as half empty, but completely shattered? Optimism is a choice I make, and I choose it every day.”
A long holiday break is coming up. I’ll be home, mostly alone, with my kids for ten days. There are plenty of ways I can think of how I’d like to spend that time that don’t involve toy gyms and play rooms or this one Paw Patrol exhibit at Hudson Yards among other annoying toddlers who aren’t my own but that’s probably where I’m going to be for the larger sum of the break. I don’t choose it but also, I do. I want to hang out with them on their terms, to see them have a good time.
Make no mistake though! When school starts back up, I’ll pull every stop to miss bath time and bedtime for at least a week. That’ll be my choice too.
pro tip: only do stuff you like to do ie teach them to like things that are great. don't set precedent of doing stuff "kids like" like that paw thing at Hudson yards (total nightmare) bc then they'll like that consumeristic crap forever and you will have to suffer it over and over again. there is plenty of stuff they can like that you like.
Aaaand - and and and - is it *also* that our frustration and guilt and resistance are in fact our own grown-adult versions of testing out weird noises and drawing on the bed and making big messes, because these are respectively the age appropriate ways for us and our children to further discover who we are, by bouncing up against boundaries and finding out how much it hurts (psychologically or otherwise) they turn out to be very hard walls? And the shitty part of it is realizing that even though we may all/both/each be growing evermore, we are responsible for BOTH their wayfinding AND our own constant seemingly relentless wayfinding? And that sometimes feels like too much wayfinding for a first-timer?? Or for anyone???
I must say, I checked out when I first saw the title of today's post. I've spent who knows how much time reading about mom guilt, talking about it (and, on good days, laughing about it), or just feeling guilty about feeling the guilt. It doesn't seem like there's much more to think/feel. But I was wrong: this is a lovely(thoughtful, human) piece. I remember being blown away by an essay you wrote about traveling on the girls' birthday, and wishing I had felt that sort of loyalty to my own sense of self so early in motherhood. This is a tough gig, and the wisdom I have picked up along the way often seems outdated as soon as it arrives. All this to say, you're doing great--for your girls, for yourself, and for those of us who get to read your work.
This is so beautiful. Thank you. I often wonder if moms before us ever had these thoughts and feelings. Were they more at peace with motherhood because they didn’t even think there was another option? Was that just easier? Hard to say.
thank you so much for sharing these wonderful words. they absolutely resonate with me. I couldn't agree more and will try to listen and stick to my choices.
hi, GUILTY mama over here. I see where you stand and I agree, motherhood has made me "larger" in the sense that whatever i was doing before, now seems so much bigger and important because my daughter is in my life. I've talked to a parent coach about the struggle of wanting to just drink a tea or binging on a tv series instead i'm stuck playing the doll for my girl - and unfortunately the answer sucks - it's all in our hands meaning: the more we make space for them, the more space we will have for ourselves - so the battle for freedom is not with them but it's with our own selves. So most of the time i feel guilty of yelling, and refusing to have to pretend to check my temperature with the doctor set and then again i feel guilty because if i had chosen to spend say 10 min of real mum time, then I'd get 15-20 min of me time - it may sound unreal but it is actually the truest true.
Also on the note for motherhood vs fatherhood - i have this impression that yes as a mother you lose a bit of yourself whilst my husband appears to have gained a new self - i never and swear never see him guilty - it maybe does not show - but i guess the mom guilt it does stick in as your child are being delivered at birth
hope you find a nice social circle of mama friends - toughest thing in the world - meanwhile we always have your back here on this thread
You hit the nail on the head. The root of the problem is that you lose a part of yourself when you have a child. The question is, how do you get that back while still being there for them on their terms. Motherhood is definitely messy. It’s a lot of give-and-take especially a mom of girls.
Possibly unpopular opinion from someone who doesn't have it all figured out either: It's okay to choose yourself when you have the opportunity. Your kids will be better for it.
pro tip: only do stuff you like to do ie teach them to like things that are great. don't set precedent of doing stuff "kids like" like that paw thing at Hudson yards (total nightmare) bc then they'll like that consumeristic crap forever and you will have to suffer it over and over again. there is plenty of stuff they can like that you like.
Aaaand - and and and - is it *also* that our frustration and guilt and resistance are in fact our own grown-adult versions of testing out weird noises and drawing on the bed and making big messes, because these are respectively the age appropriate ways for us and our children to further discover who we are, by bouncing up against boundaries and finding out how much it hurts (psychologically or otherwise) they turn out to be very hard walls? And the shitty part of it is realizing that even though we may all/both/each be growing evermore, we are responsible for BOTH their wayfinding AND our own constant seemingly relentless wayfinding? And that sometimes feels like too much wayfinding for a first-timer?? Or for anyone???
I must say, I checked out when I first saw the title of today's post. I've spent who knows how much time reading about mom guilt, talking about it (and, on good days, laughing about it), or just feeling guilty about feeling the guilt. It doesn't seem like there's much more to think/feel. But I was wrong: this is a lovely(thoughtful, human) piece. I remember being blown away by an essay you wrote about traveling on the girls' birthday, and wishing I had felt that sort of loyalty to my own sense of self so early in motherhood. This is a tough gig, and the wisdom I have picked up along the way often seems outdated as soon as it arrives. All this to say, you're doing great--for your girls, for yourself, and for those of us who get to read your work.
This is so beautiful. Thank you. I often wonder if moms before us ever had these thoughts and feelings. Were they more at peace with motherhood because they didn’t even think there was another option? Was that just easier? Hard to say.
thank you so much for sharing these wonderful words. they absolutely resonate with me. I couldn't agree more and will try to listen and stick to my choices.
hi, GUILTY mama over here. I see where you stand and I agree, motherhood has made me "larger" in the sense that whatever i was doing before, now seems so much bigger and important because my daughter is in my life. I've talked to a parent coach about the struggle of wanting to just drink a tea or binging on a tv series instead i'm stuck playing the doll for my girl - and unfortunately the answer sucks - it's all in our hands meaning: the more we make space for them, the more space we will have for ourselves - so the battle for freedom is not with them but it's with our own selves. So most of the time i feel guilty of yelling, and refusing to have to pretend to check my temperature with the doctor set and then again i feel guilty because if i had chosen to spend say 10 min of real mum time, then I'd get 15-20 min of me time - it may sound unreal but it is actually the truest true.
Also on the note for motherhood vs fatherhood - i have this impression that yes as a mother you lose a bit of yourself whilst my husband appears to have gained a new self - i never and swear never see him guilty - it maybe does not show - but i guess the mom guilt it does stick in as your child are being delivered at birth
hope you find a nice social circle of mama friends - toughest thing in the world - meanwhile we always have your back here on this thread
love, Luisa
You hit the nail on the head. The root of the problem is that you lose a part of yourself when you have a child. The question is, how do you get that back while still being there for them on their terms. Motherhood is definitely messy. It’s a lot of give-and-take especially a mom of girls.
Possibly unpopular opinion from someone who doesn't have it all figured out either: It's okay to choose yourself when you have the opportunity. Your kids will be better for it.