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Where do you put yours?
Like on those mornings when your kids are barking at, no — whining in that medium pitch that sounds like a persistent, dull ache in the back of your head — for cereal and milk and a spoon and water now ice where’s the spoon more milk I want strawberries do we have cantaloupe, no not strawberries give me raspberries.
Cut to brushing teeth, getting dressed, then changing. Refusing to wear a sweater. Changing again, sweater’s half on - finally getting out the door and realizing as you barely make it that you have neither brushed your teeth nor changed out of the same grey pajama pants your mother in law bought for you as a welcome-home-from-the-hospital-you-have-twins-can-you-believe-it? gift.
And now! For the meltdown en route to school! Cause of backset? Unclear. Symptom? Stubborn halt, high-pitched shriek, eventual throwing down of own body onto pedestrian pavement.
Remember the romantic early days? When you could read a book or a newspaper while your infant squirmed or spit up but mostly just slept or stayed silent in your arms or right next to you?
Before you knew your voice could do that horrible, guttural thing where you sound like a high school history teacher woefully performing an attempt at discipline.
It was going to be different — you’d read the books! Follow the accounts. Knew about compassion; you’d learned the hard way, but had learned just the same. And you were not going to show them the range of your own personalities. The ones you spent so much time hiding from, then accepting, then assuming you had solved until lololololololololololol. There she is!
So where do you put the rage? Like, how do you make sure it doesn’t come out on your kids or another innocent loved one or even yourself?
Recently there was an Anne Helen Petersen article that posited that one of the most destructive narratives for the modern woman is that we have been told that if we just *work hard enough* we can fix anything, and the result is that women burn themselves out throwing all their energy into fixing mostly interpersonal relationships at work and at home that would require the buy-in of all parties, but the effort is often unrequited (because the narrative is that we should be able to fix anything ourselves).
So whenever I am about to be overcome by the rage of parenting (daily? hourly?), I try to remember there is nothing to fix, there is my personal best but there’s no way to “do parenting better”, despite how many people have made millions of $ telling us otherwise, and that what I have been programmed to feel is a personal failure is actually just my reaction to decades of life carrying the worlds expectation of perfection at every moment. Doesn’t make it better but definitely removes a certain level of personal rage and replaces it with collective rage, which is easier to palette while completing drop-off.
This was beautiful, honest and so relatable. Thank you for writing it.
I recently removed myself from social media, and a big part of it was those accounts you mention in the concluding paragraph. I simply could not sustain beating myself up any longer about "feeding littles" and "how to help my picky eater" and how to "set up sensory bins" and "child-led Montessori activities" when we are on month 19 of a global pandemic and I don't yet feel safe doing much outside the house.
Going nuclear and cutting it all out was helpful. It helped me remember that even if the TV is on a little more than I'd like, my child is loved, he is fed, he is safe. Beyond that, I think back to my own childhood – my mom did not sweat the details of screen time or whether I was eating enough carrots. She observed if I was having fun, if I was feeling loved, if I was well-fed and adjusted accordingly. We have too much pressure on ourselves now with the constant influx of information and opinion.
The rage still exists. The boundaries still get crossed. I am still very tired. As everyone said more eloquently before me – we are human, we mess up, we apologize – and it's important that our kids see that. But trying to balance the rage with the feeling that you're failing as a parent on every front is just untenable. At least it was for me.
Mine are now 17, 15, and 12 but BOY do I remember the rage...i believe i had it this Monday actually 😉...yep, it does not go away, it may change in the way we express it...I ironically let a lot more "fucks" fly now that they actually DO understand what it means. I agree that when kids know they are loved unconditionally, well the occasional "Mom is losing it", "Mom is pissed" is actually not that scary, particularly if they get to see you calm yourself down and bring yourself back into the situation. My way is lose it, but count to 10 and let them see you do it...we are all human right? man, I hope that's right...
We’re like a tube of toothpaste. When we’re squeezed, what’s inside comes out…
I raised 3 girls & I’m here to tell you that your observation is real, right and redemptive! We all get squeezed and we all act human, but not all are willing to admit it and look for the steps towards change.
Great job! Motherhood is a messy but rewarding journey and your tube of toothpaste is still fresh.
I think it’s important to let your children know when they are testing your limits with whining, asking for a different breakfast, not getting dressed, etc. I think it’s ok to get angry at them. I’m not advocating abuse, just communicating to them and releasing your emotion that you are angry with them because of X, Y, and/or Z. And you now expect them to do A, B, and C in a timely fashion. Kids needs boundaries. Its ok to get mad at them when they are being difficult. How else will they grow and learn? It can’t all be positive reinforcement. That’s not healthy or fair for us, the parents.
Well - I honestly do not make sure it does not come out on my daughter or on my husband or on my dogs, and cats and parents. the only good thing about maternal rage is that I've learned to apologize, at my daughter at least as I know that my rage has to do more with me than it does to her. keep raging <3
I do a lot of exercise and try and get more sleep than I normally would, I find it helps me cope with this kind of stuff. Not completely, just better. It’s not always possible and I really feel it when I don’t get to do it. Also I try and remember that it’s human to feel like that, and sometimes it does leak out and honestly can they really expect their nonsense to be permanently greeted by some kind of UN peacekeeper? And would that be heathy anyway? 🤷🏻♀️
I don't put it anywhere. I let it out. my kids know I'm human. I love them unconditionally, and they know it. And they also drive me nuts, and they know it!
In a family where kids are raised with love and compassion, the occasional outburst is completely normal and even healthy. As long as you are able to apologize afterwards (and you should, always), it teaches kids several things at once: You are human, you have boundaries, too, you mess up just like everybody else, it's ok to make mistakes if you own them. That being said, nothing helps to keep your calm (or at least keep it for a longer time) than meditation. Even five to ten minutes daily make such a tremendous difference, it's really mindblowing.
My biggest problem in this department is the ‘long fuse big bomb’ phenomenon. I’m pretty good at managing the rage until I’m not, so the experience on my daughter’s end must feel like I’m usually very even keeled and the occasionally have a stroke in anger. I think ‘short fuse small bomb’ is a better model because the more frequent, low-grade rage-venting is probably easier to live with as a kid, but it’s not something I’m good at in practice. Love this topic!
There is an excellent instagram account @seed.and.sew that talks about stuff like this. They talk about how to handle your own feelings and your kid's feelings and they give you sample scripts and actions. They talk about "regulation" as in, regulating how you react when you have big feelings.
Sample post - The goal isn't that kids think that you don't experience feelings. The goal is that kids know that they aren't responsible for your regulation. | "I was frustrated that while I was focused on making lunch, you colored on the wall. I took ten deep breaths and now I feel ready to chat."
1. Remind myself that it’s developmentally appropriate and that, as long as I don’t stifle her, my stubborn toddler will one day be a holds-her-ground kind of person who takes no shit. Maybe?
2. Every time I get to say “no”, it’s a learning opportunity for her. And hell is it great to get her back for when she threw a wooden block at the dog 5mins ago.
3. Swear under my breath.
4. Breathe, and swear on exhale.
5. Sometimes it just comes out, and no, I don’t like the person I am in that moment. But it’s ok. Because 90% of the time I’m calm and collected and reasonable and patient. (I’m assuming I get to be ok 90% of the time because it’s just the one kid. If there were more? No idea.)
From the Joys and Sorrows of Parenting: “For the last ten minutes you’ve put your whole life on hold in order gently to persuade a two year old to put on their coat. Or you made them a boiled egg and cut the toast perfectly and then they turned away in disgust when it was ready. Or you have to clip them into the booster seat in the back of the car – not because (as they seem to feel) you are a tyrant but because it is the law (though the task of explaining the legal system is beyond you at this moment). Or they hate kindergarten – and don’t comprehend what a mortgage is and that you are abandoning them only to the most carefully selected educators and not to random strangers. You still love them, but can’t pretend to be a dog any more because you’ve bashed your knee on the coffee table… but your child does not sympathise. They don’t see the reality of your good will; only the momentary frustration of their own will. And then you feel this strange thing: they aren’t very nice to you. They annoy you. You’re losing your temper with the little person you most love in the world and you hate yourself. Yet every kindly adult in the world totally understands. You aren’t bad; you’re just trying to do something very difficult better than any other generation ever has.”
From me: Give yourself a break. You’re doing a great job, mom 😊
I sing it. Musical- or operetta-style. My own three-year-old twins (identical boys, players in a remarkably similar scenario just hours ago in on our own way to drop-off in the Great Plains) get all thrown-off and amused when the guttural rage sounds transform into their options or orders being phrased into a suspenseful melody and delivered with vibrato.
My kids are older (14 and 18) boys. My 18 year old recently learned to drive, which seemingly provided many 'learning opportunities' for me than for him.
Working in reverse I think that naming the situation and including an apology is key. "I'm sorry I'm [acting this way.] You're a good driver but sometimes I get nervous in the car with you."
What I leave unsaid is, "I'm frustrated/annoyed/angry/disgusted that your father has done nothing to help and I'm all alone in this and how can I be responsible for two boys on my own."
And both are true -- I'm nervous that he's out there driving and I'm frustrated/annoyed/angry/disgusted that his father, whom I'm divorced from, bears none of the burden yet enjoys all of the fruits. Some of this is directed at myself. Why have I made such poor life choices?
Then I question my thoughts and feelings. Why am I [angry] that he ordered Door Dash after work rather than eat the stuffed peppers that took me hours to make and shop for? That he clogged the shower drain after shaving off all of his body hair and failed to tell me until I had company? That he's turned on the air conditioner in his room yet is also wearing a ski jacket indoors?
Our relationship can endure some negative interactions, and I'm mindful of this as I move forward. What kind of relationship do I want with my sons? One where our interactions lead to a solid emotional connection, where they feel seen and heard, where they see me express an emotion and then own it and they are able to do the same. The kind of connection that I never had with either of my parents.
That's a really good question! Good to hear, feel less alone...
Theoretically I'd say : exercise, meditate, do things that make you happier and more peaceful. But when the hell do we mothers have the time for that???
I think maybe it's normal and that's what the clingy unconditional love from your child on one hand and our guilt is there for. The first forgives, the second contains the rage to an unharmful limit.
I wept reading this because it rang so true. There’s some logical advice in the article that I’m going to fail to implement well, but I cling to the magic of what I love about childhood and my children, and I try to remember that none of this will last. Love and solidarity to you.
We never come in as blank sheets of paper. i heard on a podcast today. PAUSE before you scream ( bc we all pause before we scream) but if you can (LOL) assess where it really comes from and how effective it will be. That small pause, can really change how you react. Or scream bc we can’t help it sometimes but ALWAYS apologize. They need to know you recognize it yourself. They appreciate the humanness
So I felt like my anger level was increasing with my son, for whatever reason and I felt a little desperate. As hokey as this is going to sound, I went on Amazon and found some herbal drops. One is called Anger Soothe and the other is PureCalm. I swear they help me. Placebo effect or real, idc bc they seem to really help. Hokey.
I don't think you can make sure it doesn't come out on your kids/an innocent loved one all the time. Rage happens. I do occasionally lose it at my kids but when I do I make sure to apologise, explain how I was feeling and let them know it's a me issue not a them issue. I mean it's a bit of a lie because geez three year olds are painful...
I recently heard someone say something that made a lot of sense to me: that voice that you try to use on yourself, the kind, empathetic one, “healing your inner child” kind of voice, doesn’t have to be the voice that you raise your kids ( not all the time). They need vitality, energy, all spectrum of emotions..
There was nothing better then my dance classes. You close the door and you forget everything, you recharge, you shine, you give it to your family when your go back, sweaty but glowy
It will happen on occasion. But…the thing is to make sure it is ONLY on occasion. You develop tools to cope, they get older (wait until your rage when they are teens!). My kids are in their 40s…and I still recall instances where I lost it with them…but those were pretty few and far between, as I’m sure yours will be!
So far, I really (mostly) only lose my cool when my toddler won’t nap, and whines about it endlessly. Once I yelled at her to please stop and go to sleep and she said “we don’t yell at each other in this house (my full name)”. She’s 2. Freaked me out- and I apologized for yelling but explained how her behavior made me feel and why it’s important to nap. The rage is real and normal, but I’ve also found her worst behavior is usually made better if I try to be playful with her in that moment. In the moment it’s the last thing I feel like doing but it can snap her out of it and lighten my mood (sometimes).
Recently there was an Anne Helen Petersen article that posited that one of the most destructive narratives for the modern woman is that we have been told that if we just *work hard enough* we can fix anything, and the result is that women burn themselves out throwing all their energy into fixing mostly interpersonal relationships at work and at home that would require the buy-in of all parties, but the effort is often unrequited (because the narrative is that we should be able to fix anything ourselves).
So whenever I am about to be overcome by the rage of parenting (daily? hourly?), I try to remember there is nothing to fix, there is my personal best but there’s no way to “do parenting better”, despite how many people have made millions of $ telling us otherwise, and that what I have been programmed to feel is a personal failure is actually just my reaction to decades of life carrying the worlds expectation of perfection at every moment. Doesn’t make it better but definitely removes a certain level of personal rage and replaces it with collective rage, which is easier to palette while completing drop-off.
I once said to my son: I love you and you are not an asshole. But you are acting like a fucking asshole. He seems fine and is in college now.
This was beautiful, honest and so relatable. Thank you for writing it.
I recently removed myself from social media, and a big part of it was those accounts you mention in the concluding paragraph. I simply could not sustain beating myself up any longer about "feeding littles" and "how to help my picky eater" and how to "set up sensory bins" and "child-led Montessori activities" when we are on month 19 of a global pandemic and I don't yet feel safe doing much outside the house.
Going nuclear and cutting it all out was helpful. It helped me remember that even if the TV is on a little more than I'd like, my child is loved, he is fed, he is safe. Beyond that, I think back to my own childhood – my mom did not sweat the details of screen time or whether I was eating enough carrots. She observed if I was having fun, if I was feeling loved, if I was well-fed and adjusted accordingly. We have too much pressure on ourselves now with the constant influx of information and opinion.
The rage still exists. The boundaries still get crossed. I am still very tired. As everyone said more eloquently before me – we are human, we mess up, we apologize – and it's important that our kids see that. But trying to balance the rage with the feeling that you're failing as a parent on every front is just untenable. At least it was for me.
Mine are now 17, 15, and 12 but BOY do I remember the rage...i believe i had it this Monday actually 😉...yep, it does not go away, it may change in the way we express it...I ironically let a lot more "fucks" fly now that they actually DO understand what it means. I agree that when kids know they are loved unconditionally, well the occasional "Mom is losing it", "Mom is pissed" is actually not that scary, particularly if they get to see you calm yourself down and bring yourself back into the situation. My way is lose it, but count to 10 and let them see you do it...we are all human right? man, I hope that's right...
We’re like a tube of toothpaste. When we’re squeezed, what’s inside comes out…
I raised 3 girls & I’m here to tell you that your observation is real, right and redemptive! We all get squeezed and we all act human, but not all are willing to admit it and look for the steps towards change.
Great job! Motherhood is a messy but rewarding journey and your tube of toothpaste is still fresh.
I think it’s important to let your children know when they are testing your limits with whining, asking for a different breakfast, not getting dressed, etc. I think it’s ok to get angry at them. I’m not advocating abuse, just communicating to them and releasing your emotion that you are angry with them because of X, Y, and/or Z. And you now expect them to do A, B, and C in a timely fashion. Kids needs boundaries. Its ok to get mad at them when they are being difficult. How else will they grow and learn? It can’t all be positive reinforcement. That’s not healthy or fair for us, the parents.
Well - I honestly do not make sure it does not come out on my daughter or on my husband or on my dogs, and cats and parents. the only good thing about maternal rage is that I've learned to apologize, at my daughter at least as I know that my rage has to do more with me than it does to her. keep raging <3
I do a lot of exercise and try and get more sleep than I normally would, I find it helps me cope with this kind of stuff. Not completely, just better. It’s not always possible and I really feel it when I don’t get to do it. Also I try and remember that it’s human to feel like that, and sometimes it does leak out and honestly can they really expect their nonsense to be permanently greeted by some kind of UN peacekeeper? And would that be heathy anyway? 🤷🏻♀️
Thank you Leandra and everyone who commented, this discussion is exactly what I needed today 💙
I don't put it anywhere. I let it out. my kids know I'm human. I love them unconditionally, and they know it. And they also drive me nuts, and they know it!
In a family where kids are raised with love and compassion, the occasional outburst is completely normal and even healthy. As long as you are able to apologize afterwards (and you should, always), it teaches kids several things at once: You are human, you have boundaries, too, you mess up just like everybody else, it's ok to make mistakes if you own them. That being said, nothing helps to keep your calm (or at least keep it for a longer time) than meditation. Even five to ten minutes daily make such a tremendous difference, it's really mindblowing.
Nothing wrong with controlling ourselves, but kids can handle the full range of our emotions..we’re ALL HUMAN.❤️
My biggest problem in this department is the ‘long fuse big bomb’ phenomenon. I’m pretty good at managing the rage until I’m not, so the experience on my daughter’s end must feel like I’m usually very even keeled and the occasionally have a stroke in anger. I think ‘short fuse small bomb’ is a better model because the more frequent, low-grade rage-venting is probably easier to live with as a kid, but it’s not something I’m good at in practice. Love this topic!
There is an excellent instagram account @seed.and.sew that talks about stuff like this. They talk about how to handle your own feelings and your kid's feelings and they give you sample scripts and actions. They talk about "regulation" as in, regulating how you react when you have big feelings.
Sample post - The goal isn't that kids think that you don't experience feelings. The goal is that kids know that they aren't responsible for your regulation. | "I was frustrated that while I was focused on making lunch, you colored on the wall. I took ten deep breaths and now I feel ready to chat."
1. Remind myself that it’s developmentally appropriate and that, as long as I don’t stifle her, my stubborn toddler will one day be a holds-her-ground kind of person who takes no shit. Maybe?
2. Every time I get to say “no”, it’s a learning opportunity for her. And hell is it great to get her back for when she threw a wooden block at the dog 5mins ago.
3. Swear under my breath.
4. Breathe, and swear on exhale.
5. Sometimes it just comes out, and no, I don’t like the person I am in that moment. But it’s ok. Because 90% of the time I’m calm and collected and reasonable and patient. (I’m assuming I get to be ok 90% of the time because it’s just the one kid. If there were more? No idea.)
From the Joys and Sorrows of Parenting: “For the last ten minutes you’ve put your whole life on hold in order gently to persuade a two year old to put on their coat. Or you made them a boiled egg and cut the toast perfectly and then they turned away in disgust when it was ready. Or you have to clip them into the booster seat in the back of the car – not because (as they seem to feel) you are a tyrant but because it is the law (though the task of explaining the legal system is beyond you at this moment). Or they hate kindergarten – and don’t comprehend what a mortgage is and that you are abandoning them only to the most carefully selected educators and not to random strangers. You still love them, but can’t pretend to be a dog any more because you’ve bashed your knee on the coffee table… but your child does not sympathise. They don’t see the reality of your good will; only the momentary frustration of their own will. And then you feel this strange thing: they aren’t very nice to you. They annoy you. You’re losing your temper with the little person you most love in the world and you hate yourself. Yet every kindly adult in the world totally understands. You aren’t bad; you’re just trying to do something very difficult better than any other generation ever has.”
From me: Give yourself a break. You’re doing a great job, mom 😊
I sing it. Musical- or operetta-style. My own three-year-old twins (identical boys, players in a remarkably similar scenario just hours ago in on our own way to drop-off in the Great Plains) get all thrown-off and amused when the guttural rage sounds transform into their options or orders being phrased into a suspenseful melody and delivered with vibrato.
My kids are older (14 and 18) boys. My 18 year old recently learned to drive, which seemingly provided many 'learning opportunities' for me than for him.
Working in reverse I think that naming the situation and including an apology is key. "I'm sorry I'm [acting this way.] You're a good driver but sometimes I get nervous in the car with you."
What I leave unsaid is, "I'm frustrated/annoyed/angry/disgusted that your father has done nothing to help and I'm all alone in this and how can I be responsible for two boys on my own."
And both are true -- I'm nervous that he's out there driving and I'm frustrated/annoyed/angry/disgusted that his father, whom I'm divorced from, bears none of the burden yet enjoys all of the fruits. Some of this is directed at myself. Why have I made such poor life choices?
Then I question my thoughts and feelings. Why am I [angry] that he ordered Door Dash after work rather than eat the stuffed peppers that took me hours to make and shop for? That he clogged the shower drain after shaving off all of his body hair and failed to tell me until I had company? That he's turned on the air conditioner in his room yet is also wearing a ski jacket indoors?
Our relationship can endure some negative interactions, and I'm mindful of this as I move forward. What kind of relationship do I want with my sons? One where our interactions lead to a solid emotional connection, where they feel seen and heard, where they see me express an emotion and then own it and they are able to do the same. The kind of connection that I never had with either of my parents.
That's a really good question! Good to hear, feel less alone...
Theoretically I'd say : exercise, meditate, do things that make you happier and more peaceful. But when the hell do we mothers have the time for that???
I think maybe it's normal and that's what the clingy unconditional love from your child on one hand and our guilt is there for. The first forgives, the second contains the rage to an unharmful limit.
Usually I swallowed mine, causing me to have lifelong stomach and anxiety problems.
I don’t know but you’re not alone. I adore my children but I have gum recession from clenching my teeth so hard and so often.
https://www.mother.ly/life/mom-rage-is-real-what-to-do/
I wept reading this because it rang so true. There’s some logical advice in the article that I’m going to fail to implement well, but I cling to the magic of what I love about childhood and my children, and I try to remember that none of this will last. Love and solidarity to you.
We never come in as blank sheets of paper. i heard on a podcast today. PAUSE before you scream ( bc we all pause before we scream) but if you can (LOL) assess where it really comes from and how effective it will be. That small pause, can really change how you react. Or scream bc we can’t help it sometimes but ALWAYS apologize. They need to know you recognize it yourself. They appreciate the humanness
So I felt like my anger level was increasing with my son, for whatever reason and I felt a little desperate. As hokey as this is going to sound, I went on Amazon and found some herbal drops. One is called Anger Soothe and the other is PureCalm. I swear they help me. Placebo effect or real, idc bc they seem to really help. Hokey.
I don't think you can make sure it doesn't come out on your kids/an innocent loved one all the time. Rage happens. I do occasionally lose it at my kids but when I do I make sure to apologise, explain how I was feeling and let them know it's a me issue not a them issue. I mean it's a bit of a lie because geez three year olds are painful...
I leave it on the canvas. It gets thrown in bright yellow paint from the paint brush and runs down onto the floor of my studio. Anger makes great art.
I recently heard someone say something that made a lot of sense to me: that voice that you try to use on yourself, the kind, empathetic one, “healing your inner child” kind of voice, doesn’t have to be the voice that you raise your kids ( not all the time). They need vitality, energy, all spectrum of emotions..
There was nothing better then my dance classes. You close the door and you forget everything, you recharge, you shine, you give it to your family when your go back, sweaty but glowy
It will happen on occasion. But…the thing is to make sure it is ONLY on occasion. You develop tools to cope, they get older (wait until your rage when they are teens!). My kids are in their 40s…and I still recall instances where I lost it with them…but those were pretty few and far between, as I’m sure yours will be!
Perfectly written down. I cant make sure. I am trying to avoid but I can’t
Her Substack is here: https://annehelen.substack.com/ and the title is Blue Marriage and the Terror of Divorce
So far, I really (mostly) only lose my cool when my toddler won’t nap, and whines about it endlessly. Once I yelled at her to please stop and go to sleep and she said “we don’t yell at each other in this house (my full name)”. She’s 2. Freaked me out- and I apologized for yelling but explained how her behavior made me feel and why it’s important to nap. The rage is real and normal, but I’ve also found her worst behavior is usually made better if I try to be playful with her in that moment. In the moment it’s the last thing I feel like doing but it can snap her out of it and lighten my mood (sometimes).
i understand.... I was alone when my daughter was baby.... my only advice : breathe !!!