What do moms really wear: Nurit Quinters

“It's like my mom always says, parenting is the holiest work:” The boy mom of 2 on what it's like

What Do Moms Really Wear is a series that captures the process of getting dressed among moms. If you would like to nominate someone for this series, comment on this e-mail with their name and handle. To see last month’s edition with Raquel Balsam, click here.

Drop off(s) 7:30 a.m., 8:15 a.m.

We wake up between 6 and 6:40 a.m. — that’s the threshold, then race to get [my older son] Emmet dressed, fed, teeth brushed, and ready for school. He wears a uniform, so that makes the routine easier.

When we get downstairs, Eli [my partner] or I make his breakfast and/or lunch. He will usually have yogurt and fruit in the morning — and he loves salami, so I’m happy to get some protein in there where I can.

After Emmet has eaten and is ready, I will usually grab [my 2-year-old,] Weston and we all walk Emmet to the bus — it’s a family affair. He [Emmet] takes a bus that is a few blocks away, so it’s not very far and I wear what I slept in the night before to drop him off.

The t-shirt is vintage — a band shirt for an Armenian death metal band called System of a Down, from Grailed (there is something more casual and relatable about a distressed black tee versus a solid black, and does create a more compelling dynamic with black silk pants). The ones pictured are vintage too (from Etsy). The adds post-wake up are flip flops (Margiela tabis) and a belt bag from Prada. Coffee comes too!

Another pass at the Prada belt bag, plus two more from consignment land

He goes to a charter school in Industry City so kids are coming from all over Brooklyn and there is a great network of parents in the school who really look out for each other — we have a Whatsapp group for our bus route. It's really helpful because it's rare that the bus shows up right on time and during the winter months in particular, you don’t want to be waiting out there for 15-20 minutes.

Once the bus arrives at the first stop, the parent can notify the group and then the next stop knows that the bus will be approaching soon. This is usually our barometer for when to leave the house. It’s nice because if one of us are racing to get to the stop they can send a message saying "Please wait!” and we hold the bus.

If bus service is ever canceled, you'll get parents saying, "I can fit two more kids in my car, does anyone need a ride?" It’s created a little support community that’s been really nice, especially as a working-full-time mom.

After Eli and I get Emmet on the bus, I’ll come home, feed Weston his breakfast (usually eggs and fruit), make his lunch and I’ll walk him to his daycare, which is about 15 minutes away.

Depending on schedules, sometimes Eli [my partner] will take Weston, but the train is right there for me to hop on and sometimes I want that solo time with Weston. It is so precious.

I’m wearing the same shoes I wore to drop off; the sweater and pants are from Zara and the coat is Uniqlo U (a single-breast trench coat does bring more flexibility to the way you can work with an outfit because it has less material)

I work at Tiffany, I’m the senior design director and have been there for 9 years. It’s funny — when I think about it now I can’t believe how much life has happened since I got there. I had a boyfriend when I started, and while there, I got engaged, and married and I had my two kids. All these huge milestones are wrapped up in my career at Tiffany.

After Weston was born, I briefly considered what it would be like to stay home but very quickly realized how much I need my work. Your relationship to [work] changes after you have kids — on Monday mornings, I feel like I have newfound freedom.

Emmet’s room

I manage a team of seven people at Tiffany. [Managing a team and managing your own kids] doesn’t really have points of cross-pollination but [as a manager,] I do have to transport back to a younger version of myself — when I was trying to figure out my career path. Managers often are faced with the question of how to make sure their team members are growing while simultaneously meeting the needs of the business. Sometimes it’s faster to get the job done a certain way but you don’t want to intercept or misdirect a member of your team as they are figuring out the best way to do their work. Or you don’t want to take the creativity out of their process.

My relationship with work changed dramatically when I had kids. While I was pregnant everyone told me my priorities would change but I felt like I’d worked my whole life to get to this point in my career and I didn’t want to lose that. I remember thinking, I don’t want my priorities to change, I like that work is one of my first priorities. It gave me direction and purpose and that felt grounding. But as my mom always says, Raising kids is the holiest work; it is so absorbing and it is so personal. My children give me a different kind of purpose, one that feels truer and work doesn’t have to check my validation box the same way it did before.

But I still deeply rely on it in a different way. It gives me stimulation, it connects me to my creativity, it provides me with challenges that need solving, not to mention this crew of people who I genuinely love [working with].

To nail this look, you’d try to find a pair of straight and slouchy, pleated trousers (figure like this or this) and size up in them 1-2 times depending on whether you’re in between sizes; two good checkered coats here and here.

On a regular day, I leave work around 5 p.m., I used to stay, easily, until closer to 8 p.m. most nights but after I gave birth I created a very clear boundary, which has forced me to manage my day differently. I have to plan my meetings differently, have had to say “I have a hard stop,” or “I can’t take that trip,” and enforcing the guideposts doesn’t always feel good or natural, but on the positive, now I have young moms on my team, and I hope this gives them more agency to make the same calls. Not to mention the boundaries give me a chance to be more present for my kids during our window together post-work until bedtime. I don’t want to be answering emails or getting stressed while I’m trying to feed them dinner and connect. And for the most part, I have to say, enforcing the boundaries gets easier. 

What does it take to be a good mother to boys? Teaching them empathy and self-assurance — enough to uphold their own boundaries. Once they start growing up, you start to notice all these social dynamics and I just want them to feel strong and confident. They’re not men yet — they’re still just children at this point and girls and boys share so many of their little human experiences on the Venn diagram of growing up. They get pressured to do things, are made to feel bad for not doing things…I would just love for them to not care what other kids think.

Weekend hang with the kids:

Uniqlo cardigan (and black baseball cap; like her and her too), Prada shorts (these — size up — or these work too), Brooks Brothers men’s loafers (my money’s on these for the season)

When I’m getting dressed for the weekend, I usually think about how comfortable I am, whether I’m okay with the garments getting dirty — and it goes without saying that on top of this, I want to feel like myself. I still have a role outside of being a mom, so I want my clothes to reflect that.

It’s funny though because once you get pregnant, you have to dress for being pregnant, so you’re figuring out your style for that, then you’re figuring it out postpartum, then you feel like a sack of shit with no time and it takes a while to really feel like yourself again. It’s taken me two years — and it feels fun again to get dressed. I’m not building out of necessity.

My weekend world revolves around taking the kids to do something that will be of interest to them — friends’ house for a playdate, an aquarium, or a play space. And Weston still takes a nap, so that usually breaks up the day. It was a good weekend if the kids didn’t have too many meltdowns and I managed to stay calm and controlled through them. Extra good if I get to hang out with my friends who have kids that are a similar age. - But you know, our goal is not to make sure our kids are happy, it’s to make sure they know how to manage. Which is why I think it’s okay to unleash the dragon. Sometimes you have to! And this is what teaches them how to deal with the dragon.

Often I think Eli is too harsh and he thinks I’m too soft but then I think about it and am like, The world is not filled with people with endless patience and you do need to learn to take the temperature on when that patience will end. It’s better to learn it from your own parents.

Eli is a tattoo artist, we met because he tattooed me. I was 24, so that is 16 years ago now. As a 24-year-old I was like, oh this guy is so cool. He wears Dickies [pants] and a t-shirt and I’m from L.A., so I found his style nostalgic in a relatable way. He gave me my first few tattoos but then stopped. I don’t think he likes doing it. I don’t think he likes tattooing me. He thinks I’m a pain in the ass.

I’d always wanted a tattoo, but never foresaw covering so much of my body — I worked from the inside out because it was a secret from my parents [who are Egyptian and Morrocan immigrants who grew up in Israel and came to the U.S. to pursue more financial stability and opportunity].

I remember when my parents were meeting Eli for the first time, my dad asked me to tell Eli to cover his tattoos and I was like, He can’t, they’re on his neck and hands. But my parents love him. Eli is a firm but fun parent — he enforces rules but knows how to play. He has a clear idea of what qualities he’d like to see come out in Emmet as he gets older and that sort of shapes the way he parents.

A play area for the kids off right off the kitchen and dining room

He’s definitely more fun than I am — we end up falling into the slots of him as the disciplinarian and me as the nurturer but we are working to give more balance to that dynamic so that we can be both. [Eli and Emmet] do things like fish and draw together and I think because Eli can relate so intimately to being a young boy, he knows that our son just needs to rough house and be silly, and he’s great at getting on the floor and wrestling with them both.

A framed photo taken by Daniel Arnold of Nurit and Eli on their wedding day

My parents were definitely taken aback when they met Eli because of all of his tattoos but once they got to know him, they saw how much passion he puts into his work and my mom in particular, I think, developed a sincere interest, respect and intrigue for his craft. They also see how much he loves me and how loyal he is and I’m sure that for a parent, that just feels deeply comforting.

A night out with no kids:

We don’t do enough together without our kids — because I work, I feel a lot of guilt for taking more time from the kids. It’s the eternal balancing act but I’m learning that the more [Eli and I] can nurture our relationship, the more it benefits our kids too. When and if we do go out, we might go to dinner or drinks, or we just went to get drinks and see Lauryn Hill the other night which was so much fun. Somehow going out during the day feels the most indulgent. We went to see a Basquiat exhibit and had brunch in Soho a while back and it felt like we were skipping school to day drink.  

I think it helps to get out of our routine, we tend to just turn off and sit on the couch at the end of the night and that doesn’t quite spark a flame. Going out of your way to make plans to do things together or go out to dinner really does help — instead of putting on sweats, you get ready and dressed, sit across from each other at a table without a phone (or a child who needs something), and remember what it’s like to date.

Comme des Garçons cardigan (in dark grey here, in light grey here) worn as a top, men’s Dickie shorts (she inspired me; I bought a pair! In red and a size 29, from Amazon; khaki is good too) Christopher Esber shoes (alt 1, alt 2 and I kind of like these as a more distant relative)

I have so much guilt about leaving my kids, so I very rarely go out and if I do, it is post-bedtime, which makes it like, 9 p.m. and that’s late. I do often feel the desire to leave — to get out, but when I do, I feel so much guilt. Emmet gets so bummed out.

I don’t travel a ton for work which has been a conscious choice, but I just got back from Italy for work and Emmet was so sad while I was gone, we would FaceTime, and I’d tell him I was going to bed and he’d be like, “Just leave the phone next to your pillow.”

I was excited to get back, it’s good to have a chance to miss your kids.

When I do go out, it’s usually to dinner or a bar with friends who are willing to meet at 9:30. It’s usually a small group — 2 or 3 people because I like to really catch up.

Re: shoes, there is also, of course, always these. And here are good boxers to achieve the same look or to wear solo.

The factors that go into getting this outfit together: I always love to have a bit of masculine energy, so something oversize (like the shorts), and it’s the only time where I feel like it’s okay for me to not wear a bra — I can’t really swing it for work, or when I’m being a parent and most importantly, I’m not toggled to a big bag of stuff. Overall, I get to be more adventurous — I don’t have to think about work colleagues or other children’s parents, it’s just for me.

Paco Rabanne bag, which is 25% off (comes in gold or mesh zebra (!) or baby crystal too, but this one’s my fav)

I think the most surprising thing about motherhood for me has been that I’ve put myself on a pedestal of never losing my shit, but it turns out that I can really yell. I didn’t anticipate how much patience is required; it’s just from the second you wake up to the second you go to sleep and even while you are sleeping. The incessant asking for something or arguing about doing something so basic really gets to me. At the moment, I snap and then I do the repair, which I try to approach from the perspective of explaining how I got to the snap, not to justify it, but to explain it. And then apologizing if I think my reaction was too big. 

I realized that to Emmet and to other kids his age — they aren’t yet capable of putting together a sequence of events that result in a specific outcome. 

An example might be: Emmet is being wild and I’ve asked him several times to calm down, and then he knocks over a glass and breaks it. I get mad and yell. In his mind, I’ve yelled at him for making a mistake and breaking a glass. In my mind, I’m yelling at him because he didn’t listen to my numerous requests and then broke a glass. I don’t want Emmet to feel yelled at just for making an innocent mistake, so I think it’s good to clarify the action I'm addressing. Then, I will apologize. I might say something like, "I’m sorry, I got really frustrated and I couldn’t control my feelings at that moment and I yelled too loud. You didn’t deserve that. I needed to calm myself before reacting." 

Eli feels like I try to gentle parent for too long, and then I end up overreacting when I should have just drawn a firmer boundary from the state so that my patience wasn’t tried for as long, thus resulting in mom rage. Who knows whether that’s right.

And as far as the best thing about being a mom? The first visceral feeling that I recognized and enjoyed after becoming a mother is that I was tired of thinking about myself. Until I had kids, it's kind of all I thought about. And it’s been so nice now to not. Both my sons have helped me discover new depths of love and care and even sadness, and all of it has just brought so much more meaning to my life. As told to Leandra Medine Cohen in Prospect Park, Brooklyn on October 20th, 2023.