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Do your kids still let you dress them? With the exception of one time late last week, mine do not. I’m sure the big fluffy neon thing with headbands that come with cascading braids wrapped around their arch, on repeat — as in, everyday, is a phase but I have been assuming that following this phase, or the next one, or the one after that, they will be knocked into my senses, and want to wear, you know, marled knit polos and loose-fit jeans, or whatever.
It was only last Monday morning that I realized if I do this thing (be a parent) right, they’re not ever going to get knocked into my senses. I mean this more broadly than just in style but they’re going to keep figuring out what they like and if some of those senses align with my own, that’s cool. If they don’t, what am I supposed to do? Force-feed them recreational sweatpants with velvet flat shoes?
That doesn’t seem like the prudent choice if I wish to maintain long-term closeness with them.
Sometimes I wonder if the generation of parents who raised us put too much emphasis on the optics of their children as a reflection of them. Or, I don’t know, is that actually an immigrant thing? — Thinking that your kids are an extension of you for the world to cast judgment upon?
The further along I get in this project (being a parent), the more I believe that, yeah, kids will be influenced by their guardians because we’re raising them and they live with us and we’re the first framework against which they self-measure, but they’re also going to be influenced by their peers and teachers and the ways they get hurt and the things that feel good and it is just too tall an order to assume that they are pure reflections, literal extensions, of us, the aforementioned guardians.
Which I say mostly for myself! As a reminder, you know, that I’m here to be a container — not The Grand Sculptor.
Also a reminder to ask myself when something they do pisses me off, whether they’re acting like demon children, or if I just don’t like some benign choice they have made.
Also a reminder to ask anyone else, when they refuse to change out of something they’ve been wearing for days (weeks sometimes) on end, when it is that we develop the idea that variation = better. What if you just know what you like?
I really oscillate between thinking that as it relates to my kids, I overthink everything and underthink everything. Do you find that this happens to you?
Also, btw, on clothes and style and being a container: there is a bit of sculpting that gets done to the extent that the guardians create the options, which seems like a more global metaphor I haven’t quite teased out further but if you’re looking for some good places to shop for them, I do have a list. Lmk if you want it.
it was so fun dressing them, but when it's gone, it's gone. all you can do is loudly appreciate when they make a great outfit, and bite your tongue (or in my case raise your eyebrows) when they don't. mostly they don't even notice me raising my eyebrows. I will say I'm pleasantly surprised by their choices for the most part.
Not a parent, but a grown up child - my mom let me dress myself from a pretty young age and as an adult, it feels like a great way that she let me express myself/develop my creativity. I was a really creative kid with parents who weren’t as much and giving me (some) authority over my clothing decisions made me feel like my mom was seeing me and wanted to help me be myself. I have some truly horrifying pictures from middle school as a result but feel really secure in my creative choices
Aw it’s a phase , you can always hide the hideous outfits from them so they can’t wear it ! My daughter when she was between 3-4 years old would only wear Disney princess dresses , the kind with the big hoop at the bottom . So sitting in a car seat was impossible… then she would only wear her stripy Hello Kitty dresses. Luckily she had 3 of the same dresses, so it was washed and worn on rotation.
But maybe it’s a girl thing as her brothers never made a fuss about what they wanted to wear . Whatever was clean or fitted was good enough for them . I found that being a parent to three individuals with 3 different personalities , living , breathing , their little growing minds so full of ideas and own opinions . Not a jot of sense in what we as adults think is the right thing to wear on a sunny day , let alone on a cold day if there was no Hello Kitty on it.
In comparison to my own childhood where I wore whatever my mum told me too until I was aged 7. No answering back , no choices , just do as you are told. So maybe there is a generational thing going on here?
Now my kids are teens and oh my the ‘borrowing’ of my clothes is extreme - and the fact they look better in them is also super annoying ! My original Juicy Couture velour tracksuit (stolen) , my Fendi Baguette bag purchased in 1999 - taken out a few times without my knowing until I saw it on their Insta :-D
I still get my little girl dress (16m old), so I get to choose. Yet I can see that she is already showing signs of being strong-willed and opinionated about what she likes: she chooses the shoes she wants to wear and often goes in the closet to pick them, even if we are not going out. I'm just milking it now and putting all the things I want on her until she allows me to. I guess later on I'll buy pretty things and hope for the best. Do you allow your girls to pick items when clothing shopping or do they just choose from their closet?
I have the opposite problem: how to get my kids to stop relying on me for what to wear and how to look inside themselves for what they like and what feels good on their bodies. Trying to help them figure out their own personal style and choose clothing that is a reflection of who they are is exhausting! Would love if you could share your list of sources for kids' clothing so we can start incorporating different options into their wardrobes to open their minds a bit.
"As a reminder, you know, that I’m here to be a container — not The Grand Sculptor." Love that! and so true. My 2 years old is really fighting my clothes choices, isn't too soon?? Please do share good places to shop for them, thanks!
I’ve bounced around on this a ton. I used to care so much-SO MUCH about what my kids wore. I’m have twins, a boy and a girl. It’s so fun to pick out these outfit for them. But around the age of 3 they got more fickle with what they would wear, and I kind of gave up. But I kept buying clothes for them that I saw them being drawn too-my daughter loves dressed despite my efforts to deter it-for whatever reason, they boring idk. And my son loves button ups and prints. So I just bought the cool versions of these crappy clothes they loved that my parents kept giving them from target. Now I still provide the options but don’t make them wear anything. They’re style is rad. They look like all these “cool” models with that guy fieri style that’s anti style, and I’m here for it. It’s not where I would have gone but I’m here for it. I think what I’ve nailed is self confidence and I want to keep cultivating that. I let go of control for dress and with that we all get excited getting dressed. It’s become fun.
My babba is only 15 months and prefers not to get dressed at all! Honestly, if it wasn’t for where we live (cold U.K.) I am not sure if I could be bothered going through that wrestle-and-get-dressed sesh anymore. That being said though… I do loooove shopping for him and sometimes wonder if I dress him to be an extension of me? Colour palettes match all the time. Maybe I should stop that but I don’t even know where to look 👀 and since it’s me getting his clothes for a little longer it will be me who dictates what he shows up in anyways 🤔 I started dressing myself at age 3, but again… only with the options mum gave me.
This hit a nerve. My 4yo currently wants to dress like a princess/unicorn/cupcake explosion everyday and I hate it. But I love when she feels confident and comfortable in her own skin (and whatever is covering it) so I go with the flow.
I love letting my 2-year-old dress herself. She picks out some wild combos! Sure, sometimes it looks like Lisa Frank pulled her look but she delights in the process and clearly derives a sense of autonomy from it. And since I did establish her universe of choices, I’m happy to propose stuff and let her do her thing. And I love seeing kids out and about in wild outfits so I’m happy for her to be one of those kids.
And, yes, I do think there’s something to your point about the older generation seeing their kids as a reflection of themselves. My mom did the same thing and it did nothing to help me establish my own identity. If letting my daughter express herself in her clothes is a way for me to foster her sense of self I’m all for it!
As a mom of grown kids I can tell you that letting them pick out their own clothes at a young age worked well for us. When we moved from Long Island to CT my daughter entered 1st grade dressing like a Spice Girl-platform sneakers, plastic purple dress and all. The moms in my neighborhood were horrified. My now 30 year old daughter has her own style, which is more on the boho side. She feels confident expressing herself and doesn’t look like any of her childhood friends, but has her own style. She never went through a slutty dress period in HS and my theory is that she got it out of her system when she was 6. The only thing I insisted on was that they wear appropriate outfits to family holidays and functions, and I explained that the reason was to show respect to the hosts.
I give my 4 year old daughter the impression she’s choosing her own outfits by giving her 3 options of things I’ve already selected. Seems to work for now but I’m guessing it’ll change eventually
I would like to know if some places to shop. I have a 6 year old boy, so finding good stuff is a little harder. I still pick his clothes, bc he is a boy and doesn’t really care at all; he is busy planning global takeover.
I love this. Mine, she’s 10 now, has her own preferences and loves putting ensembles together. I love seeing her self expression. I’d love to see your list of shops, too!
it was so fun dressing them, but when it's gone, it's gone. all you can do is loudly appreciate when they make a great outfit, and bite your tongue (or in my case raise your eyebrows) when they don't. mostly they don't even notice me raising my eyebrows. I will say I'm pleasantly surprised by their choices for the most part.
Not a parent, but a grown up child - my mom let me dress myself from a pretty young age and as an adult, it feels like a great way that she let me express myself/develop my creativity. I was a really creative kid with parents who weren’t as much and giving me (some) authority over my clothing decisions made me feel like my mom was seeing me and wanted to help me be myself. I have some truly horrifying pictures from middle school as a result but feel really secure in my creative choices
Aw it’s a phase , you can always hide the hideous outfits from them so they can’t wear it ! My daughter when she was between 3-4 years old would only wear Disney princess dresses , the kind with the big hoop at the bottom . So sitting in a car seat was impossible… then she would only wear her stripy Hello Kitty dresses. Luckily she had 3 of the same dresses, so it was washed and worn on rotation.
But maybe it’s a girl thing as her brothers never made a fuss about what they wanted to wear . Whatever was clean or fitted was good enough for them . I found that being a parent to three individuals with 3 different personalities , living , breathing , their little growing minds so full of ideas and own opinions . Not a jot of sense in what we as adults think is the right thing to wear on a sunny day , let alone on a cold day if there was no Hello Kitty on it.
In comparison to my own childhood where I wore whatever my mum told me too until I was aged 7. No answering back , no choices , just do as you are told. So maybe there is a generational thing going on here?
Now my kids are teens and oh my the ‘borrowing’ of my clothes is extreme - and the fact they look better in them is also super annoying ! My original Juicy Couture velour tracksuit (stolen) , my Fendi Baguette bag purchased in 1999 - taken out a few times without my knowing until I saw it on their Insta :-D
Thanks for the great newsletter, as usual ! I love the khaki jackets, where are they from ?
I still get my little girl dress (16m old), so I get to choose. Yet I can see that she is already showing signs of being strong-willed and opinionated about what she likes: she chooses the shoes she wants to wear and often goes in the closet to pick them, even if we are not going out. I'm just milking it now and putting all the things I want on her until she allows me to. I guess later on I'll buy pretty things and hope for the best. Do you allow your girls to pick items when clothing shopping or do they just choose from their closet?
I have the opposite problem: how to get my kids to stop relying on me for what to wear and how to look inside themselves for what they like and what feels good on their bodies. Trying to help them figure out their own personal style and choose clothing that is a reflection of who they are is exhausting! Would love if you could share your list of sources for kids' clothing so we can start incorporating different options into their wardrobes to open their minds a bit.
"As a reminder, you know, that I’m here to be a container — not The Grand Sculptor." Love that! and so true. My 2 years old is really fighting my clothes choices, isn't too soon?? Please do share good places to shop for them, thanks!
Yes! Please share the list xx
I’ve bounced around on this a ton. I used to care so much-SO MUCH about what my kids wore. I’m have twins, a boy and a girl. It’s so fun to pick out these outfit for them. But around the age of 3 they got more fickle with what they would wear, and I kind of gave up. But I kept buying clothes for them that I saw them being drawn too-my daughter loves dressed despite my efforts to deter it-for whatever reason, they boring idk. And my son loves button ups and prints. So I just bought the cool versions of these crappy clothes they loved that my parents kept giving them from target. Now I still provide the options but don’t make them wear anything. They’re style is rad. They look like all these “cool” models with that guy fieri style that’s anti style, and I’m here for it. It’s not where I would have gone but I’m here for it. I think what I’ve nailed is self confidence and I want to keep cultivating that. I let go of control for dress and with that we all get excited getting dressed. It’s become fun.
My babba is only 15 months and prefers not to get dressed at all! Honestly, if it wasn’t for where we live (cold U.K.) I am not sure if I could be bothered going through that wrestle-and-get-dressed sesh anymore. That being said though… I do loooove shopping for him and sometimes wonder if I dress him to be an extension of me? Colour palettes match all the time. Maybe I should stop that but I don’t even know where to look 👀 and since it’s me getting his clothes for a little longer it will be me who dictates what he shows up in anyways 🤔 I started dressing myself at age 3, but again… only with the options mum gave me.
This hit a nerve. My 4yo currently wants to dress like a princess/unicorn/cupcake explosion everyday and I hate it. But I love when she feels confident and comfortable in her own skin (and whatever is covering it) so I go with the flow.
Thank you for an always exigent and funny read! I've been reading your work since I was in 8th grade and don't plan on stopping anytime soon!
Duh I want a list of places to shop
I love letting my 2-year-old dress herself. She picks out some wild combos! Sure, sometimes it looks like Lisa Frank pulled her look but she delights in the process and clearly derives a sense of autonomy from it. And since I did establish her universe of choices, I’m happy to propose stuff and let her do her thing. And I love seeing kids out and about in wild outfits so I’m happy for her to be one of those kids.
And, yes, I do think there’s something to your point about the older generation seeing their kids as a reflection of themselves. My mom did the same thing and it did nothing to help me establish my own identity. If letting my daughter express herself in her clothes is a way for me to foster her sense of self I’m all for it!
They need to be themselves and feel good in their clothes. As you know, it‘s such fun to be creative. Kids do that with an ease we can only dream of.
It needs to be weather appropriate, though …
As a mom of grown kids I can tell you that letting them pick out their own clothes at a young age worked well for us. When we moved from Long Island to CT my daughter entered 1st grade dressing like a Spice Girl-platform sneakers, plastic purple dress and all. The moms in my neighborhood were horrified. My now 30 year old daughter has her own style, which is more on the boho side. She feels confident expressing herself and doesn’t look like any of her childhood friends, but has her own style. She never went through a slutty dress period in HS and my theory is that she got it out of her system when she was 6. The only thing I insisted on was that they wear appropriate outfits to family holidays and functions, and I explained that the reason was to show respect to the hosts.
I give my 4 year old daughter the impression she’s choosing her own outfits by giving her 3 options of things I’ve already selected. Seems to work for now but I’m guessing it’ll change eventually
I would like to know if some places to shop. I have a 6 year old boy, so finding good stuff is a little harder. I still pick his clothes, bc he is a boy and doesn’t really care at all; he is busy planning global takeover.
I love this. Mine, she’s 10 now, has her own preferences and loves putting ensembles together. I love seeing her self expression. I’d love to see your list of shops, too!
My older adult children ask me for my opinion on clothing items! The days of dressing them are long gone…..