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Do your kids still let you dress them? With the exception of one time late last week, mine do not. I’m sure the big fluffy neon thing with headbands that come with cascading braids wrapped around their arch, on repeat — as in, everyday, is a phase but I have been assuming that following this phase, or the next one, or the one after that, they will be knocked into my senses, and want to wear, you know, marled knit polos and loose-fit jeans, or whatever.
It was only last Monday morning that I realized if I do this thing (be a parent) right, they’re not ever going to get knocked into my senses. I mean this more broadly than just in style but they’re going to keep figuring out what they like and if some of those senses align with my own, that’s cool. If they don’t, what am I supposed to do? Force-feed them recreational sweatpants with velvet flat shoes?
That doesn’t seem like the prudent choice if I wish to maintain long-term closeness with them.
Sometimes I wonder if the generation of parents who raised us put too much emphasis on the optics of their children as a reflection of them. Or, I don’t know, is that actually an immigrant thing? — Thinking that your kids are an extension of you for the world to cast judgment upon?
The further along I get in this project (being a parent), the more I believe that, yeah, kids will be influenced by their guardians because we’re raising them and they live with us and we’re the first framework against which they self-measure, but they’re also going to be influenced by their peers and teachers and the ways they get hurt and the things that feel good and it is just too tall an order to assume that they are pure reflections, literal extensions, of us, the aforementioned guardians.
Which I say mostly for myself! As a reminder, you know, that I’m here to be a container — not The Grand Sculptor.
Also a reminder to ask myself when something they do pisses me off, whether they’re acting like demon children, or if I just don’t like some benign choice they have made.
Also a reminder to ask anyone else, when they refuse to change out of something they’ve been wearing for days (weeks sometimes) on end, when it is that we develop the idea that variation = better. What if you just know what you like?
I really oscillate between thinking that as it relates to my kids, I overthink everything and underthink everything. Do you find that this happens to you?
Also, btw, on clothes and style and being a container: there is a bit of sculpting that gets done to the extent that the guardians create the options, which seems like a more global metaphor I haven’t quite teased out further but if you’re looking for some good places to shop for them, I do have a list. Lmk if you want it.
it was so fun dressing them, but when it's gone, it's gone. all you can do is loudly appreciate when they make a great outfit, and bite your tongue (or in my case raise your eyebrows) when they don't. mostly they don't even notice me raising my eyebrows. I will say I'm pleasantly surprised by their choices for the most part.
I've spent years unlearning my mom's styling to find mine. In the process I've learned to ignore her raised eyebrows, and then my own -- without the not-so-great outfits I wouldn't have gotten very good at this. So maybe less raised eyebrow, more kindness and seeing the big picture?
Not a parent, but a grown up child - my mom let me dress myself from a pretty young age and as an adult, it feels like a great way that she let me express myself/develop my creativity. I was a really creative kid with parents who weren’t as much and giving me (some) authority over my clothing decisions made me feel like my mom was seeing me and wanted to help me be myself. I have some truly horrifying pictures from middle school as a result but feel really secure in my creative choices
Aw it’s a phase , you can always hide the hideous outfits from them so they can’t wear it ! My daughter when she was between 3-4 years old would only wear Disney princess dresses , the kind with the big hoop at the bottom . So sitting in a car seat was impossible… then she would only wear her stripy Hello Kitty dresses. Luckily she had 3 of the same dresses, so it was washed and worn on rotation.
But maybe it’s a girl thing as her brothers never made a fuss about what they wanted to wear . Whatever was clean or fitted was good enough for them . I found that being a parent to three individuals with 3 different personalities , living , breathing , their little growing minds so full of ideas and own opinions . Not a jot of sense in what we as adults think is the right thing to wear on a sunny day , let alone on a cold day if there was no Hello Kitty on it.
In comparison to my own childhood where I wore whatever my mum told me too until I was aged 7. No answering back , no choices , just do as you are told. So maybe there is a generational thing going on here?
Now my kids are teens and oh my the ‘borrowing’ of my clothes is extreme - and the fact they look better in them is also super annoying ! My original Juicy Couture velour tracksuit (stolen) , my Fendi Baguette bag purchased in 1999 - taken out a few times without my knowing until I saw it on their Insta :-D
I still get my little girl dress (16m old), so I get to choose. Yet I can see that she is already showing signs of being strong-willed and opinionated about what she likes: she chooses the shoes she wants to wear and often goes in the closet to pick them, even if we are not going out. I'm just milking it now and putting all the things I want on her until she allows me to. I guess later on I'll buy pretty things and hope for the best. Do you allow your girls to pick items when clothing shopping or do they just choose from their closet?
I have the opposite problem: how to get my kids to stop relying on me for what to wear and how to look inside themselves for what they like and what feels good on their bodies. Trying to help them figure out their own personal style and choose clothing that is a reflection of who they are is exhausting! Would love if you could share your list of sources for kids' clothing so we can start incorporating different options into their wardrobes to open their minds a bit.
"As a reminder, you know, that I’m here to be a container — not The Grand Sculptor." Love that! and so true. My 2 years old is really fighting my clothes choices, isn't too soon?? Please do share good places to shop for them, thanks!
There's a rare (actual, physical, black and white) photo of my mother getting me dressed where I'm less than 1y old. I'm pulling off what she puts on, preventing her from putting clothes on entirely, and apparently it wasn't the first such fight either... Ironically she was getting me dressed for a proper family picture, the photographer just got inspired/ candid. So it's not too soon, and as someone who had to keep fighting until they left home, I'm sorry, I knew better what was me at any given point. My mother still doesn't know, or agree, decades later. I wish no child had ever had to go through this.
Also, it would've been so nice if I had a say in the shopping. I had to appear thankful for a lot things bought for me that I'd not be seen dead in. Maybe go half way and let her pick half the things you buy?
I’ve bounced around on this a ton. I used to care so much-SO MUCH about what my kids wore. I’m have twins, a boy and a girl. It’s so fun to pick out these outfit for them. But around the age of 3 they got more fickle with what they would wear, and I kind of gave up. But I kept buying clothes for them that I saw them being drawn too-my daughter loves dressed despite my efforts to deter it-for whatever reason, they boring idk. And my son loves button ups and prints. So I just bought the cool versions of these crappy clothes they loved that my parents kept giving them from target. Now I still provide the options but don’t make them wear anything. They’re style is rad. They look like all these “cool” models with that guy fieri style that’s anti style, and I’m here for it. It’s not where I would have gone but I’m here for it. I think what I’ve nailed is self confidence and I want to keep cultivating that. I let go of control for dress and with that we all get excited getting dressed. It’s become fun.
My babba is only 15 months and prefers not to get dressed at all! Honestly, if it wasn’t for where we live (cold U.K.) I am not sure if I could be bothered going through that wrestle-and-get-dressed sesh anymore. That being said though… I do loooove shopping for him and sometimes wonder if I dress him to be an extension of me? Colour palettes match all the time. Maybe I should stop that but I don’t even know where to look 👀 and since it’s me getting his clothes for a little longer it will be me who dictates what he shows up in anyways 🤔 I started dressing myself at age 3, but again… only with the options mum gave me.
I think it might be fun to buy him clothes to fit his personality, then see whether he develops an interest/ preference for any. Since he loves living in his skin, consider loose/ oversize stuff, PJs in daytime, and peek at girl aisles/ pages: many items are androgynous and so you could get creative with a straight T-Shirt dress, for example. If he's got (his own) style, he's always gonna match you; colours needn't come into it.
This hit a nerve. My 4yo currently wants to dress like a princess/unicorn/cupcake explosion everyday and I hate it. But I love when she feels confident and comfortable in her own skin (and whatever is covering it) so I go with the flow.
I know a mom whose girl wanted matching sequin flats for them both, but the mom has never worn hers coz it's too much... It's making me sad. Anyone can embrace their Princess side, just be your own at it, join in and have fun at it and with it! I know a dad who's the best Princess, proud of it, and so envied at school!
I love letting my 2-year-old dress herself. She picks out some wild combos! Sure, sometimes it looks like Lisa Frank pulled her look but she delights in the process and clearly derives a sense of autonomy from it. And since I did establish her universe of choices, I’m happy to propose stuff and let her do her thing. And I love seeing kids out and about in wild outfits so I’m happy for her to be one of those kids.
And, yes, I do think there’s something to your point about the older generation seeing their kids as a reflection of themselves. My mom did the same thing and it did nothing to help me establish my own identity. If letting my daughter express herself in her clothes is a way for me to foster her sense of self I’m all for it!
me too! at first it was only intellectually though -- like truly took a minute for it to sink in in practice that like, them refusing to brush their hair/wear anything i would personally choose for them to wear is A GOOD THING
Same!Same! I wanted her to pick out her own clothes but I also wanted her to pick out what I wanted to see her in. Of course I still want to see her in certain pieces / outfits but after failing to convince her a few times I was like YOU DO YOU!
When I was a kid and people would ask me what my favorite colors were, I just told them what my mom's favorite colors were because I had no effing clue - I hadn't been allowed to decide. So I said "purple and teal." LOL. I'm hoping she avoids the same fate by giving her this space early - although if she ends up loving navy, black, and denim, sweet - she can inherit all of my shit. ;-)
From my mother's closet I picked: her body revealing royal blue ski jumpsuit, her engagement mini white dress with puff sleeves, her straight red jeans, her 70s paisley silk dress, and a white boho shirt. I'm unconsoled that she let go of her white gogo boots (leather, too) and her A-line wedding dress before I could claim them. None of these were her usual style but she still loved it that I loved them.
It is a greater challange for same sex twins to find their individual paths. So it‘s good for them to start playing with what each of them likes.
So many people want your fashion advice, it might hurt if your daughters are not among them. They are a different generation and will do things in a new way. That‘s good!
I once encountered a little boy in kindergarten, dressed in his sister‘s light pink summer dress (it wasn‘t summer). What a brave mum who took him there in that dress.
As a mom of grown kids I can tell you that letting them pick out their own clothes at a young age worked well for us. When we moved from Long Island to CT my daughter entered 1st grade dressing like a Spice Girl-platform sneakers, plastic purple dress and all. The moms in my neighborhood were horrified. My now 30 year old daughter has her own style, which is more on the boho side. She feels confident expressing herself and doesn’t look like any of her childhood friends, but has her own style. She never went through a slutty dress period in HS and my theory is that she got it out of her system when she was 6. The only thing I insisted on was that they wear appropriate outfits to family holidays and functions, and I explained that the reason was to show respect to the hosts.
did she ever get made fun of for her style? sometimes i remember back to this middle school instance that i think has actually informed a lot of how i use and think about clothes !
oh, another thought, actually, elicited by your comment: i dont especially recall my mom forcing me to dress a specific way but do recall that, maybe following THE MIDDLE SCHOOL INCIDENT, i was deeply invested in looking more like my school friends -- i wonder if i just reallocated the framework against which i was measuring
No! Quite the contrary, they all thought she was cool! The moms, however, thought she was “fast” for a 6 year old! I was the bad mom. For reference, the other 6 yr old girls(there were 5 in the neighborhood) were first born children and Maura was a second child. The moms who said “my child would never…” learned not to say never once that second child came along!
I give my 4 year old daughter the impression she’s choosing her own outfits by giving her 3 options of things I’ve already selected. Seems to work for now but I’m guessing it’ll change eventually
I would like to know if some places to shop. I have a 6 year old boy, so finding good stuff is a little harder. I still pick his clothes, bc he is a boy and doesn’t really care at all; he is busy planning global takeover.
As long as we agree that lots of boys care and that's ok, too 😊 I hope he succeeds at global takeover, most people doing that don't have space for clothes, as well, see Steve Jobs, so it sounds like he's on the right track!
His style now is superhero chic. Loves the costumes. He will care soon enough. He already has STRONG preferences for picking MY outfits. And his older brother wore a button down and bow tie EVERY SINGLE day of high school. I’m sure it will happen any minute.
Blessed be the parent who has an engagement around style with their boys? This impending doom sounds really exciting, especially if you get a break when they refocus on their own outfits. I notice the button down and bow tie live in the past tense; what did that morph into meanwhile?
He is my oldest son, and is 23 now and married. He concentrates on gardening(which he gets from me), and cooking(which he gets from his dad). Fashion doesn’t concern him much anymore, and even though I miss those bow ties, that’s okay. He made the most amazing 5-hour beef Wellington I’ve ever eaten last month. And he grows enough vegetables to feed his whole block. (Also, he asked for lulu lemon skinny jeans for Christmas last year, which I did NOT get him😜)
I love this. Mine, she’s 10 now, has her own preferences and loves putting ensembles together. I love seeing her self expression. I’d love to see your list of shops, too!
it was so fun dressing them, but when it's gone, it's gone. all you can do is loudly appreciate when they make a great outfit, and bite your tongue (or in my case raise your eyebrows) when they don't. mostly they don't even notice me raising my eyebrows. I will say I'm pleasantly surprised by their choices for the most part.
I've spent years unlearning my mom's styling to find mine. In the process I've learned to ignore her raised eyebrows, and then my own -- without the not-so-great outfits I wouldn't have gotten very good at this. So maybe less raised eyebrow, more kindness and seeing the big picture?
Not a parent, but a grown up child - my mom let me dress myself from a pretty young age and as an adult, it feels like a great way that she let me express myself/develop my creativity. I was a really creative kid with parents who weren’t as much and giving me (some) authority over my clothing decisions made me feel like my mom was seeing me and wanted to help me be myself. I have some truly horrifying pictures from middle school as a result but feel really secure in my creative choices
you're gonna share them right?
Aw it’s a phase , you can always hide the hideous outfits from them so they can’t wear it ! My daughter when she was between 3-4 years old would only wear Disney princess dresses , the kind with the big hoop at the bottom . So sitting in a car seat was impossible… then she would only wear her stripy Hello Kitty dresses. Luckily she had 3 of the same dresses, so it was washed and worn on rotation.
But maybe it’s a girl thing as her brothers never made a fuss about what they wanted to wear . Whatever was clean or fitted was good enough for them . I found that being a parent to three individuals with 3 different personalities , living , breathing , their little growing minds so full of ideas and own opinions . Not a jot of sense in what we as adults think is the right thing to wear on a sunny day , let alone on a cold day if there was no Hello Kitty on it.
In comparison to my own childhood where I wore whatever my mum told me too until I was aged 7. No answering back , no choices , just do as you are told. So maybe there is a generational thing going on here?
Now my kids are teens and oh my the ‘borrowing’ of my clothes is extreme - and the fact they look better in them is also super annoying ! My original Juicy Couture velour tracksuit (stolen) , my Fendi Baguette bag purchased in 1999 - taken out a few times without my knowing until I saw it on their Insta :-D
Thanks for the great newsletter, as usual ! I love the khaki jackets, where are they from ?
hi! they are anine bing
I still get my little girl dress (16m old), so I get to choose. Yet I can see that she is already showing signs of being strong-willed and opinionated about what she likes: she chooses the shoes she wants to wear and often goes in the closet to pick them, even if we are not going out. I'm just milking it now and putting all the things I want on her until she allows me to. I guess later on I'll buy pretty things and hope for the best. Do you allow your girls to pick items when clothing shopping or do they just choose from their closet?
I have the opposite problem: how to get my kids to stop relying on me for what to wear and how to look inside themselves for what they like and what feels good on their bodies. Trying to help them figure out their own personal style and choose clothing that is a reflection of who they are is exhausting! Would love if you could share your list of sources for kids' clothing so we can start incorporating different options into their wardrobes to open their minds a bit.
How old are they?
5-year-old girl, 7-year-old boy
I really like Kids o Clock for a circular brand (its kids clothes resell, so really spans the range of style cues)
La Coqueta for fancy English vibes
Malpi and Napaani for laid back cool kid vibez
Folkloore for artisan-created products at their place of origin -- vibe oscillates between middle east and south america
Milky Choice for easy summer wares
I have found some good brands from doing a few Dopple drops too!
and also, not for nothing, Gap rules for shoes
"As a reminder, you know, that I’m here to be a container — not The Grand Sculptor." Love that! and so true. My 2 years old is really fighting my clothes choices, isn't too soon?? Please do share good places to shop for them, thanks!
There's a rare (actual, physical, black and white) photo of my mother getting me dressed where I'm less than 1y old. I'm pulling off what she puts on, preventing her from putting clothes on entirely, and apparently it wasn't the first such fight either... Ironically she was getting me dressed for a proper family picture, the photographer just got inspired/ candid. So it's not too soon, and as someone who had to keep fighting until they left home, I'm sorry, I knew better what was me at any given point. My mother still doesn't know, or agree, decades later. I wish no child had ever had to go through this.
Also, it would've been so nice if I had a say in the shopping. I had to appear thankful for a lot things bought for me that I'd not be seen dead in. Maybe go half way and let her pick half the things you buy?
Yes! Please share the list xx
I’ve bounced around on this a ton. I used to care so much-SO MUCH about what my kids wore. I’m have twins, a boy and a girl. It’s so fun to pick out these outfit for them. But around the age of 3 they got more fickle with what they would wear, and I kind of gave up. But I kept buying clothes for them that I saw them being drawn too-my daughter loves dressed despite my efforts to deter it-for whatever reason, they boring idk. And my son loves button ups and prints. So I just bought the cool versions of these crappy clothes they loved that my parents kept giving them from target. Now I still provide the options but don’t make them wear anything. They’re style is rad. They look like all these “cool” models with that guy fieri style that’s anti style, and I’m here for it. It’s not where I would have gone but I’m here for it. I think what I’ve nailed is self confidence and I want to keep cultivating that. I let go of control for dress and with that we all get excited getting dressed. It’s become fun.
My babba is only 15 months and prefers not to get dressed at all! Honestly, if it wasn’t for where we live (cold U.K.) I am not sure if I could be bothered going through that wrestle-and-get-dressed sesh anymore. That being said though… I do loooove shopping for him and sometimes wonder if I dress him to be an extension of me? Colour palettes match all the time. Maybe I should stop that but I don’t even know where to look 👀 and since it’s me getting his clothes for a little longer it will be me who dictates what he shows up in anyways 🤔 I started dressing myself at age 3, but again… only with the options mum gave me.
I think it might be fun to buy him clothes to fit his personality, then see whether he develops an interest/ preference for any. Since he loves living in his skin, consider loose/ oversize stuff, PJs in daytime, and peek at girl aisles/ pages: many items are androgynous and so you could get creative with a straight T-Shirt dress, for example. If he's got (his own) style, he's always gonna match you; colours needn't come into it.
This hit a nerve. My 4yo currently wants to dress like a princess/unicorn/cupcake explosion everyday and I hate it. But I love when she feels confident and comfortable in her own skin (and whatever is covering it) so I go with the flow.
I know a mom whose girl wanted matching sequin flats for them both, but the mom has never worn hers coz it's too much... It's making me sad. Anyone can embrace their Princess side, just be your own at it, join in and have fun at it and with it! I know a dad who's the best Princess, proud of it, and so envied at school!
Thank you for an always exigent and funny read! I've been reading your work since I was in 8th grade and don't plan on stopping anytime soon!
Duh I want a list of places to shop
I love letting my 2-year-old dress herself. She picks out some wild combos! Sure, sometimes it looks like Lisa Frank pulled her look but she delights in the process and clearly derives a sense of autonomy from it. And since I did establish her universe of choices, I’m happy to propose stuff and let her do her thing. And I love seeing kids out and about in wild outfits so I’m happy for her to be one of those kids.
And, yes, I do think there’s something to your point about the older generation seeing their kids as a reflection of themselves. My mom did the same thing and it did nothing to help me establish my own identity. If letting my daughter express herself in her clothes is a way for me to foster her sense of self I’m all for it!
me too! at first it was only intellectually though -- like truly took a minute for it to sink in in practice that like, them refusing to brush their hair/wear anything i would personally choose for them to wear is A GOOD THING
Same!Same! I wanted her to pick out her own clothes but I also wanted her to pick out what I wanted to see her in. Of course I still want to see her in certain pieces / outfits but after failing to convince her a few times I was like YOU DO YOU!
When I was a kid and people would ask me what my favorite colors were, I just told them what my mom's favorite colors were because I had no effing clue - I hadn't been allowed to decide. So I said "purple and teal." LOL. I'm hoping she avoids the same fate by giving her this space early - although if she ends up loving navy, black, and denim, sweet - she can inherit all of my shit. ;-)
From my mother's closet I picked: her body revealing royal blue ski jumpsuit, her engagement mini white dress with puff sleeves, her straight red jeans, her 70s paisley silk dress, and a white boho shirt. I'm unconsoled that she let go of her white gogo boots (leather, too) and her A-line wedding dress before I could claim them. None of these were her usual style but she still loved it that I loved them.
They need to be themselves and feel good in their clothes. As you know, it‘s such fun to be creative. Kids do that with an ease we can only dream of.
It needs to be weather appropriate, though …
More thoughts:
It is a greater challange for same sex twins to find their individual paths. So it‘s good for them to start playing with what each of them likes.
So many people want your fashion advice, it might hurt if your daughters are not among them. They are a different generation and will do things in a new way. That‘s good!
I once encountered a little boy in kindergarten, dressed in his sister‘s light pink summer dress (it wasn‘t summer). What a brave mum who took him there in that dress.
I love this
As a mom of grown kids I can tell you that letting them pick out their own clothes at a young age worked well for us. When we moved from Long Island to CT my daughter entered 1st grade dressing like a Spice Girl-platform sneakers, plastic purple dress and all. The moms in my neighborhood were horrified. My now 30 year old daughter has her own style, which is more on the boho side. She feels confident expressing herself and doesn’t look like any of her childhood friends, but has her own style. She never went through a slutty dress period in HS and my theory is that she got it out of her system when she was 6. The only thing I insisted on was that they wear appropriate outfits to family holidays and functions, and I explained that the reason was to show respect to the hosts.
did she ever get made fun of for her style? sometimes i remember back to this middle school instance that i think has actually informed a lot of how i use and think about clothes !
oh, another thought, actually, elicited by your comment: i dont especially recall my mom forcing me to dress a specific way but do recall that, maybe following THE MIDDLE SCHOOL INCIDENT, i was deeply invested in looking more like my school friends -- i wonder if i just reallocated the framework against which i was measuring
No! Quite the contrary, they all thought she was cool! The moms, however, thought she was “fast” for a 6 year old! I was the bad mom. For reference, the other 6 yr old girls(there were 5 in the neighborhood) were first born children and Maura was a second child. The moms who said “my child would never…” learned not to say never once that second child came along!
I give my 4 year old daughter the impression she’s choosing her own outfits by giving her 3 options of things I’ve already selected. Seems to work for now but I’m guessing it’ll change eventually
I would like to know if some places to shop. I have a 6 year old boy, so finding good stuff is a little harder. I still pick his clothes, bc he is a boy and doesn’t really care at all; he is busy planning global takeover.
As long as we agree that lots of boys care and that's ok, too 😊 I hope he succeeds at global takeover, most people doing that don't have space for clothes, as well, see Steve Jobs, so it sounds like he's on the right track!
His style now is superhero chic. Loves the costumes. He will care soon enough. He already has STRONG preferences for picking MY outfits. And his older brother wore a button down and bow tie EVERY SINGLE day of high school. I’m sure it will happen any minute.
Blessed be the parent who has an engagement around style with their boys? This impending doom sounds really exciting, especially if you get a break when they refocus on their own outfits. I notice the button down and bow tie live in the past tense; what did that morph into meanwhile?
He is my oldest son, and is 23 now and married. He concentrates on gardening(which he gets from me), and cooking(which he gets from his dad). Fashion doesn’t concern him much anymore, and even though I miss those bow ties, that’s okay. He made the most amazing 5-hour beef Wellington I’ve ever eaten last month. And he grows enough vegetables to feed his whole block. (Also, he asked for lulu lemon skinny jeans for Christmas last year, which I did NOT get him😜)
I’m sure his style is right around the corner. My oldest actually wore a button down shirt and a bow tie EVERY SINGLE day of high school.
I’m sure his style is right around the corner. My oldest actually wore a button down shirt and a bow tie EVERY SINGLE day of high school.
I love this. Mine, she’s 10 now, has her own preferences and loves putting ensembles together. I love seeing her self expression. I’d love to see your list of shops, too!
My older adult children ask me for my opinion on clothing items! The days of dressing them are long gone…..